On my last post a commentator said that it wasn’t unusual to feel confused and overwhelmed at the end of a marriage. This really clicked with me as I have kind of put everything into an unwell basket.
I went swimming again yesterday and I was amazed at the overwhelming thoughts I had, the sense of grief, the sense of loss, the loss of control. All of these feelings pertain to the end of my marriage. Perhaps I was still in denial despite everything else I’ve gone through. And now it’s starting to break through again but I’m mistaking it for this depression. Make no mistake I am certainly depressed there are symptoms that I recognise as part of that; lethargy, negative ideas, demotivation, self-hate, and all that horrible stuff that comes with depression and anxiety, including panic attacks and nightmares. But it kind of helped to make me realise that some of these feelings will be temporary. I’m still in the thick of it as I am learning to be single again.
I shall be moving into an apartment next week and arranging movers for my cottage in the week. At least I can close those chapters. And then I’m sure there’ll be more grief. It saddens me a lot that S seems completely unaffected by everything, I am just an inconvenience at best.
Separation/divorce is a horrible thing to go through, especially as the one that didn’t want it to go that far. I feel dejected, useless, worthless etc and this has compounded my depression.
But there’s definitely a divide between feelings. I just hope I can repair the damage eventually.