Saw my psychiatrist today. We’ve added Fluoxetine to the mix and decreased the Sodium Valporate by 500mg because she thinks that might be adding to my tiredness. Although it is helping with my headaches and migraines would you believe! I’m happy with the outcome, as happy as a chronic depressed person can be.
Since going for a swim it’s like it’s taken everything out of me and I’m shattered. But I’m determined to hold onto that good feeling and try again tomorrow.
The panicky feelings aren’t going away. I just need court to be over. And I’m split in two minds about going to the UK. I get the feeling S is withdrawing his financial support as we get closer to September (when we can legally divorce), and my benefits change from leaving the house. It’s all long and boring, but I’m feeling the pinch and I have closing bills to pay, storage to pay, a new deposit to pay on this scungey apartment. I don’t really have the means to support myself in the UK and what if S leaves me with nothing in the UK? I could be trapped. I’m feeling like I’ve lost all control over every aspect of my life.
On a plus side, I did get an interview following a big CV drop (online) so I just hope something will come up for me. Unfortunately it’s at a time when the kids should be finishing school, so I’m going to have to take them with me – again. It’s never a good look taking kids, but what else can I do? S isn’t here. I’m not sure how he’s expecting it to go once I start work. I won’t have the flexibility I do now. And god knows, I’ll need my salary. He’s gotten so used to going away and working late and functions at the drop of a hat, I think it’ll be quite a shock for him having to juggle childcare again. But I’m getting ahead of myself – I still need to get a job first.
I’ll just be glad to be in my own place (as scungey as it might be), and get somewhere with the job hunting. At the moment I’m sick of being an unwanted house guest, grappling with this ugly mental condition and hopefully finding some hope for my future. Although that concept seems laughable at the moment.