I keep having these panic attacks, not on a large scale, but rather I’ll suddenly find myself short of breath and feeling anxious.
It’s been going on for the last couple of weeks. I know the upcoming court appearance has agitated my panic attacks but I also know it’s something deeper than that.
Simply, I don’t have a home. I’m staying with S, but he doesn’t really want me here, I know he’s keen to get me to England and is desperate to know what I’ll do when I get back. Im moving out of the Martinborough house this weekend and putting my stuff in storage. So that makes me technically ‘of no fixed abode.’ And at 36, that’s a pretty terrifying situation to be in.
I will stay in a block of flats when I get back, they won’t be anything special- in fact it would be better that the kids don’t stay. But it’s a good interim place while I try to save some money for my bond and find a better home.
It’s the best I can do as I learn to stand on my own two feet again. I keep feeling pangs of terrible loss. The memories of when ‘everything was normal’ and even swimming yesterday they had ‘mums and bubs ‘ groups that left me yearning for the time my children were just tots and my ex and I were close. When my complaints were about not getting enough sleep and dirty nappies.
I am really quite afraid of this new life I need to carve out for myself. I’ve not been alone for so long. And it hurts that I’m just an overstaying guest in this house.
Although I’m still technically ‘unwell’ finding full time employment will be of the most utmost importance. I need to be financially grounded. And with the current market as it is, that’s no mean feat.
Sometimes I think going back to the UK is a bad idea because I need to set up here, but then I remember that I have launched from one disaster to another and surely this time out will help – even a bit?
I hate feeling so out of control and so panicky all the time. It’s effecting my sleep and overall wellbeing. But I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, so hopefully more additions can be made and the right dosages made.