I have been living well below the normal functioning level for so long it’s become normal for me. Even having a shower in the morning is a huge feet which a lot of the times I haven’t been able to accomplish. I don’t brush my teeth often enough and I don’t brush my hair very often. My depression has pulled me so low that I prefer to spend my days in bed, I feel tired all of the time and swing between emotional and feeling nothing. At night it is hard to sleep but I prefer the night even if I have nightmares because at night no one expects anything of you.
I have been very isolated and at times I have felt extremely lonely but been unable to reach out for help. I honestly believe that this was going to be my normal life from now until the day I die.
Gradually I have noticed it’s become very slightly more easy to get up in the morning, and yesterday I was able to last most of the day without having to have a nap, I was also able to make phone calls and put preparations and plans in place for when I move out at the weekend. Today because of having a bit more energy I decided to actually go swimming. This is a huge accomplishment for me. It means seeing strangers, facing the world and doing physical activity. I am really proud of myself for doing this today. I know that there’ll continue to be good and bad days. I don’t believe that I am magically cured but I do feel that I’m getting some energy back.
I am still very much in limbo in terms of my future plans and feel in the long term that I don’t have a lot to look forward to. There is still a huge amount of pain in my heart that I can feel like Jagged pieces of glass. But for today I swam. Today I felt a little bit more normal, and for that I am happy.