I’m waiting to see my lawyer this afternoon in regards to the court papers for tomorrow. In this appointment I need to find out what will happen tomorrow I will also need to discuss with her my plans to leave the country to see how this will affect my divorce. It’s going to be a stressful appointment I’m not looking forward to it at all. I really regret my behaviour now if only I had more awareness of the trouble I would be in.
Yesterday I took the children swimming and it was lovely they were so good, looking after their brother and they really enjoyed themselves. Then we went to a restaurant for dinner and they were really good there. I’m really going to miss them when I go away. I wish I could be this sort of mother all the time. But it feels like it’s only temporary that I’m a good mother and mostly I’m failing. Today I’ve been absolutely exhausted. I can’t work out if the tiredness is the medication, my mood, or the fact that I am so fat. I’m really conscious of my weight and that makes me feel sick. I know my parents will think about that because they don’t like fat people. I think it’s one reason I spent most of my life hardly eating and my sister is a dreadful yo-yo dieter. If I could lose as much weight as possible before I go that would be great but I just feel so sluggish. I’m going to be so self-conscious when I see them. I’m the biggest I’ve ever been. If I wasn’t going to England I would be joining the gym. I’d like to try and join the gym there but it will be a struggle financially as I haven’t saved for this trip.
I’ve put my cottage on air B n B in the hope I’ll get some guests to help cover some rent when I’m away. I have a cleaner over there and she’ll be grateful for the extra hours.
I suppose my future rests on the court documents tomorrow. My understanding is that the most serious outcome would be a conviction but it would be a traffic conviction so it wouldn’t stop me from travelling. Either way the thought of any conviction is scary enough I don’t wanna have to worry about in the future. I’m not sure what else could come out of tomorrow.
I had my blood test done as well the other day so it will be interesting to see where the sodium valproate levels are at. I suspect we will need to start adding lithium to my repertoire of medications.
At this point I just don’t care what I have to take if I could just start feeling better. At least I have taken on more menial tasks around the house like laundry and tidying up. Before they just seemed to overwhelming for me. I hope this is a sign that I am getting better physically.
So my stresses today are
- Lawyer; court outcome and travel (custody battle)