My appointment with my lawyer this afternoon could not have gone any worse. Although I was anxious about the appointment I certainly didn’t anticipate how bad it was going to go. If I had an inkling that she was going to be as bad as she was then I wouldn’t have bothered going. Firstly my son and youngest daughter were very tired and hungry and were really irritable waiting for me in the waiting room which is understandable.
Secondly, I don’t want to make any observations without facts but I have to say the smell of alcohol was not hard to miss and judging by the fact that my lawyer’s eyes spent more time closed than open I can’t help but feel she was at least three sheets to the wind. In terms of my court appearance tomorrow, I will be representing myself. She didn’t offer any help nor any idea of how to cope with the situation so I am in at the deep end. Fortunately having gone through the bare minimum of clothes I have kept at the house I have managed to put together a smart outfit. I will put forth mitigating circumstances but really I have no idea how the system really works. I am nervous and I am worried that I’ll say the wrong thing and end up with severe consequences.
I mentioned my proposed trip to the UK, not because I was worried about the court appearance but rather if it may impact any custody arrangements with my ex as previously she had warned me not to leave the country. When I mentioned my intention to leave for about three weeks as I’ve been having such a difficult time she absolutely pulled me to shreds. She told me that my intentions were selfish, that it would be seen as abandoning my children and so I would sever any chances of having custody of my children in the future, and she also had a go about the fact I moved into a place in Martinborough. She said I was “a non-person” that I had lost my “sense of identity” and that I was making things worse for myself. In fact I can’t remember the last time anybody spoke so down to me and so badly to me.
She told me if I was going to the UK to make myself better then I would be taking my children with me, if I wasn’t taking my children then clearly it was all about me. She told me it was paramount that I ended the tenancy in Martinborough and re-located close to the house. She told me that I couldn’t discuss anything with my ex as he clearly couldn’t be trusted.
My ex and I have been through some really difficult times and sometimes I have been astounded by the things he has said but I know he would say the same about me, the only thing we continually agree on are the children. I just cannot believe that he would betray me if I did indeed leave the country for a few weeks. He knows that I need to get better and he knows that I’m struggling at the moment. If I were to believe my lawyer, then I would have been married to a complete monster for the last 13 years and not known it.
I still refuse to give up on the marriage, and hope that my time apart and by re-establishing myself when I get back we could perhaps look at us again. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get my marriage back. But if S continues to deny me that then I must look at moving forward.
Life feels impossibly hard at the moment. I just need to get through tomorrow and hope for the best possible result. I don’t mind admitting that I am very scared. It’s amazing that I have had no support and now I am expected to go into court and argue my case alone.
I need tomorrow over and I need to find some semblance of a life again.