I have just arrived back at my place after a long cold windy drive over the mountain range. I actually dreaded coming here tonight, it wasn’t easy leaving the house. I had the kids all around me and we were under blankets watching TV, I could even pretend I was part of a real family for a little while. But I know S was due home soon and he would be expecting me to vacate once he returned. I did as he expected, a brief conversation ensued, at least I didn’t leave in tears. I came close though, Especially when the children were begging me to stay the night. It’s all very confusing for them.
It’s interesting that people can see changes in my blog, I can’t. Not only can I not see positive changes but I just see one miserable entry after another. I’d like to believe that I would be happy again, but at this stage it’s very hard to believe.
My best friend in England was facing criminal charges, it’s a long story. But she was facing losing her freedom, her reputation, her future. She felt she had nothing and she had no one as her friends had shown their true colours. I supported her as best I could from here. The trial dates were dragged out, and she could never see the end to all of it. Now I am happy to report that she is almost due with her first and very unexpected baby, with a lovely man that she met, and she has a job she enjoys. The pending charges were discarded as they should have been in the beginning so she has a full future in front of her as well. I think about that, and I think about other friends that have been through separations, etc. It’s amazing how my fallback is always ‘I never thought it would be me.’
I reflected today that perhaps I am just a very genuinely awful person and I have done something to deserve this. The way S has spoken to me and shut me down on numerous occasions leads me to believe that there is a reason he hates me so much I have obviously done something so appalling and abismol that I simply deserve everything that is happening. I feel like I don’t know him any more and that is the hardest of all.
Still today, I did the best I could I got up and I went to the library after dropping the kids off at school and I worked on my CV and did some research on jobs in the area. My confidence is shot to pieces and I have to say just by doing that little bit of work I was absolutely exhausted and had to go home for a short nap. This worries me. But hopefully I can try and secure something, or a least feel better about myself for trying.
I’m fresh out of ideas so I just keep doing what people recommend I to do and hopefully find something that works.
It is miserable being back at the house tonight, I miss my son so much and I will miss the children in the morning.
A random chicken turned up today at the house and it was so much fun to see my son with the chicken he was absolutely in love with it!