Dead end

So S is away again and I’m looking after the children. S has been particularly unkind this weekend and I’m really struggling to deal with the fallout. He needs me as a babysitter but not to discuss anything or else it results in insults towards me. When I tried to express my feelings for him he referred to it as ‘tripe’. I literally can’t win with this guy, I don’t think anyone in my entire life has ever hated me as much as my ex-husband. There is absolutely no breaking through to him. So I’m trying to find A way forward and make some positive changes to my life. While still dealing with the low and the mix of new medications. So far I have concluded that my move to Martinborough was a bad idea, I’m not enjoying living alone, and I can’t really have the kids with me because they go to school over this way. So do I try to find another rental and move back? The current market is pretty bad, I thought about potentially renting a cabin and putting it on the land around the house that I once owned with S, but he put that idea down straightaway. I actually thought it was a good idea, It would save money and I would be around to deal with the children all the time which would be wonderful for them and for me. Essentially he doesn’t one want me round. His idea was for me to move in with a flatmate. Which then creates the same issue that I can’t have the children over because I have a flatmate. Plus I’m too old to be sharing my home with anybody now. But I figured maybe I should give it all up and just go travelling. That was how I found myself before, that was when I truly enjoyed myself. But in Cambodia I missed the children painfully, I don’t think I could be away from them for prolonged period of time.

I had been looking for work for long before I got really unwell, now I’ve started to look again although the job market seems to have plateaued and my confidence is really shaken. But I thought at least if I had a job it would give me some confidence some semblance of a routine, and my children can be proud of me. I feel like I have no purpose, no direction, no real idea of who I am any more. I was a wife and a mother. I had a home, I knew my life I knew know what to expect. But now I don’t have a home, I am no longer part of the unit. My ex-husband  was my best friend in no can’t tolerate any more. My home feels too far away and it’s not a home for the children. I’m too afraid to live alone because the PTSD is gripping me. Perhaps if it wasn’t for the rowdy neighbours in my last house I would’ve discovered my absolute fear of living alone but I thought my fear was just because the neighbours – that’s really screwed things up for me.

I have also heard from the police in the UK that the current case is with the criminal prosecution service. And they are waiting to know if the case Will go through the courts, I have at this time informed them that I intend to testify if it goes that far. You know what I’m just sick of being silenced. I’m sick of pretending that I’m okay, I’m sick of pretending that it’s okay for people to treat me like shit. So if it goes to court I will testify. If it doesn’t go to court it goes through a gross misconduct trial, I have also advise I would be willing to testify on that. So things could get more stressful here in New Zealand while  I deal with the fallout in the UK.

So I feel I’m at a crossroads, that’s a positive spin actually feel like I’m at a dead end. I’m not progressing nothing is changing, and I’m certainly not feeling any better about myself. My relationship with my ex is declining so rapidly, soon will be on lawyer only terms. Which is what I never wanted because he was always my best friend and I miss him terribly. I genuinely believed that we’d find our way back together -how much of an idiot am I? And he’s made it abundantly clear that it’s not a loss if I’m not available to babysit because his mother is on call. How useless do I feel about now?

I wish there was some way I could fast forward to a years time and see what I’m doing. And I just hope to God that I am happy and that I’m doing something I want to be doing. Because another year like this will certainly send me over the edge.

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4 thoughts on “Dead end

  1. Awwww Penny. I am so sorry that S is behaving like this. I can understand why you feel so badly, things are really tough at the moment. I do want to correct one thing you said though; your children can be proud of you. They can be proud to have a mother who continues to fight for herself and her life. That is not a small thing and it is an important example you are setting. I think it is amazing you are still pushing through. And you know what? You have goals and dreams for the next year. That’s a big something to have. A few years ago, had you been feeling this badly you wouldn’t have had those goals or dreams. Sending you support and hope and some Pollyanna thinking. Xx

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  2. Sometimes you just need to watch something that lifts your spirits and allows you to refocus. You are doing much better than you were back in March. Today I watched Smurfs The Lost Village with the children, it cheered me up. 🙂

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