Waking up

Ok, so I’m feeling the low big time again. I spent the weekend in bed, I mean, screw it. I’m  in a house I’m not welcome in, and I don’t have the inclination to ‘pretend’ that I’m ok. Although S was constantly asking if I was in a ‘mood’ – I swear that guy has had his sensitivity chip removed. Just because he’s all happy and good with life, doesn’t mean I’m heartless like that too. It is a REAL struggle for me. Both the depression and the grief.

This morning he took the kids to school, so I stayed in bed. Again, screw it. What reason do I have to get up? 

I’ve not gotten 2/3 jobs I interviewed for, no surprise. Just waiting on the third rejection. So I foresee a future on benefits. That should bother me, but I’m not really a contributing member of society and I’m not likely to be.

I see my friends have all but given up on me. I rarely get messages, I’ve not been invited out since god knows when, despite being there when friends have needed me. That’s fine, it’s not like I’m good company anyway.

Hopefully when I move into my flat I can just pale away into non existence. The kids don’t need me and S can’t stand me. So I’d rather just slink away and be left alone.

I hate my life. It’s absolutely pointless. Maybe one day I’ll be lucky enough not wake up one morning.

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Court

I had an interview yesterday afternoon, the company works around mental illness so it would be something I’d be passionate about. But there were 5 candidates and frankly I just think I wasn’t experienced enough. I struggled to come up with examples of historical work place incidents again and the air got thicker and I shrank more and more. The interviewers pens scribbled less, and I knew at times I’d lost members of the panel. Again, it’s hard not to feel bad about it. I haven’t got what it takes – I can’t fake it. That’s just the truth of the matter. I am starting to feel the crushing realisation that I might never work again, and am finally making steps to apply for disability. Something I’ve avoided for so long because I didn’t want to admit my position. I’ll still send my CV out but I’m not positive at all. I’m not even sure what I want to be doing anymore.

S is making it so blatant that he doesn’t want me around. I can’t even begin to express the toxic environment at home. I feel like such an unwelcome houseguest. I’m trying my best to avoid him. I had hoped to move into a flat on the weekend so I could be out of his way but he needs me Tues-Fri next week. What’s the point in paying rent if I’m going to be here?? He hasn’t even asked, just assumed I’d be ok looking after the kids.

This morning I had to leave early for court and I was using his car, he went nuts saying it sounded really bad ‘since I’d been driving it.’ Actually I’ve told him before it sounds bad, but he told me he had it serviced (even though the check engine light is continually on). He was so shitty with me and then told me it was a mess inside. His car is usually full of litter which I tidy out because it bugs me, there’s no litter in it, so I’m not sure why he made that comment. I felt attacked and useless again. On a morning where I definitely didn’t need it. He demanded I ‘drive straight back.’

The guy hates me like an enemy. An enemy he’s being forced to endure. It’s a difficult thing for me to process. But I refuse to break down and cry.

Court was its own nightmare. People were there with really serious charges, I was told by a duty solicitor that mine was ‘minor’ I’ve still ended up with a traffic conviction and $100 fine. Lucky the fine wasn’t too much, but a conviction is surely a conviction?? Traffic or otherwise. I have no idea how this is going to impact me. I’ll need to speak to my lawyer.

Afterwards I’d hope to secure my flat, I was shown three. One with windows almost against a wall so it was pretty dark, and the others so grotty and smelly. I’m waiting until Monday to view another one that’s come up, but this one is a studio. What does it matter? Without my kids I’m only going to lie on the bed all the time any way.

At least this week is over and I’ve survived it. I’ve certainly seen more action then I have in ages, which is kind of good considering how much I slept before.

Interviews

So, newsflash! I’m coping! 

Yesterday I went swimming in the morning. I wasn’t really in the mood, but I put my swimmers on under my clothes and forced myself to at least float! A good way of getting clean too! It wasn’t too bad once I got in and then I got into the hot bubbly spa as a treat afterwards.

I was on edge most of the time during the day waiting for my interview. I’d had to arrange with the school to pick up the kids early. Fortunately my interview was in a room booked in a library. So I had the kids set up in the kids section, my eldest in charge and I was in a room next door. Not ideal, but I had no option. Luckily they’re well behaved and loved the books, not to mention they had their fidget spinners!

I tanked the interview. One of the women was really nice, warm, friendly. But the other seemed hard, and ruthless in her questioning. I admitted, unusually for me, that I’d struggled with depression and was only just looking at getting back into the workforce. The kinder woman, Belinda, seemed to appreciate my honesty. The colder woman, Amanda just became more ruthless, how would I cope with 8 hour days? How would I cope with autonomy? How would I cope with travel? The implication that I’d find it ‘stressful’ was really thrown at me. And I do feel that had I not have been honest about the depression, she’d have taken my professional experience as my proof of my ability to cope under stress. She also had that uncanny ability to fake smile, and respond to my questions as though I’d asked something pretty obvious.

I’m not upset or angry or disappointed.

What I deciphered from this early on was that this job wasn’t for me. The job spec differed, and the cases are too similar to what I’ve worked with before which I’d like a change from. I’m also not personally affected by Amanda’s questioning, she’s not someone I could work for and that’s all that matters.

I was relieved when it was over to see my children, happily reading quietly in the corner. Unfortunately it was rush hour traffic heading home and they were pretty tired, but it felt good to be out, to be doing something different.

This morning I could feel the familiar oppression pushing me back to bed, but I forced myself up and got the kids organised to drop off. I kept putting off getting ready for my interview but I was determined to go. So unbelievably despite my brain screaming at me to just cancel, I showered, dresses smartly and borrowed my eldest’s make up. Mine is in my car.

Parking in the city was stressful and finding the building turned into a long walk in uncomfortable shoes. I felt like an alien amongst the city workers. Like they were looking at me, judging me, recognising me as a fake. My brain was in shock, walking IN THE CITY, like a NORMAL person! For the briefest of moments I felt hopeful.

The interview was intense. But unlike being gone at like a bull dog (interestingly this role is far more superior to the other role but the women were so much more down to earth), the questions were very professional experience related. Great, except I haven’t worked for bloody ages and my brain doesn’t even remember what I was doing 2 days ago. I feel like I mumbled a bit, I felt lacking in areas and I’m not confident about this one. But that’s ok, it’s good experience and maybe I’m not ready for such an intense role yet. The fact that I showed up counts for so much more.

Unbelievably I heard from another recruitment agent about a job and an interview tomorrow. This one is within the mental health sector but I feel I’ll be on safer ground. This job is more in line with what I’d like to be doing. It’s after school but fortunately S is back so he’s looking after the kids.

This week is full on and I’m amazed that I’m still going. I’m still really anxious about Friday’s court appearance, so I can’t really switch off until Friday afternoon. As it is, this weekend we’re renting a truck and emptying the cottage ourselves which won’t be easy. There’s still no tenant to take over the lease. I’m sure the landlord is putting people off with his eccentric ways. So actually ending the lease without a new tenant could prove tricky. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

In the meantime, I have 2 more very important days to survive.

Can’t cope

I can’t cope, I can’t cope, I can’t cope.

I now have 2 interviews this week, one I need to take the kids with me for. I have an appointment at the benefits office and then court on Friday. All this while juggling the 4 kids. I just spent the weekend in bed, how am I supposed to become a functioning adult from that?

I have only heard from one moving company today and they’re booked up until June 7, I can’t possibly justify rent on the cottage and rent on a flat at the same time, but I can’t keep living here with S. My funds aren’t much, so some how I need to get everything into storage and out of here.

As for court, it’s pressing on my mind like a horrible vice, and keeping me short of air. What’s the point of job interviews if I get a conviction. In the middle of all this, I wonder how I can justify a trip back to the UK with all this mess. Although I won’t deny it’s tempting to run away.

I feel like life just got a whole lot more trickier and I need to fulfil more roles, complete more tasks when I’m barely able to function.

I’m completely alone, no one is going to tell me it’s going to be ok. No one in their right mind would look at this mess and say I’ll cruise through this.

I’m worried about my brain in interviews, I’m already slow in my thinking. This could be very embarrassing. And my work history is VERY historical so what examples can I draw on? I’m bound to crash and burn as I do at everything.

I just want to hide in bed. It’s what I do best.

In bed

I haven’t been able to get out of bed the last couple of days. At least today I showered. I’m just so fed up and miserable with life, it’s not worth getting up for.

S has gone, coincidentally had to leave for work early Sunday afternoon so it’s just me and the kids until weds/thurs. frankly I’m not sure how I’ll cope, but I’ll have to. I didn’t realise S was going for so long. Maybe he told me and it didn’t register, maybe he didn’t- but it’d be my fault anyway.

I had asked him to drive me over the hill to the cottage to pick some clothes up. I guess I wasn’t clear enough, so that didn’t happen. My driving confidence has been shot to pieces now. But I don’t have a choice, I need to pack some more clothes, especially smart clothes for my interview and court. God I’ll be glad when next week is over for a myriad of different reasons.

I hate to drone on, but I feel ever so lonely. I wish I could see into the future, but it feels like it will be the same plodding along, trying to make it through.

I’d like to know when I stop hurting. When it doesn’t hurt to breathe. When I can have moments of beauty and brilliance and the beasts are destroyed. When does life progress to new and exciting chapters. When I’m indifferent to all that I’ve lost and appreciate all that I have. When getting up isn’t a monumental feat and sleep is a routine – not a longed for escape.

Will life ever be anything more for me?

Differences 

On my last post a commentator said that it wasn’t unusual to feel confused and overwhelmed at the end of a marriage. This really clicked with me as I have kind of put everything into an unwell basket.

I went swimming again yesterday and I was amazed at the overwhelming thoughts I had, the sense of grief, the sense of loss, the loss of control. All of these feelings pertain to the end of my marriage. Perhaps I was still in denial despite everything else I’ve gone through. And now it’s starting to break through again but I’m mistaking it for this depression. Make no mistake I am certainly depressed there are symptoms that I recognise as part of that; lethargy, negative ideas, demotivation, self-hate, and all that horrible stuff that comes with depression and anxiety, including panic attacks and nightmares. But it kind of helped to make me realise that some of these feelings will be temporary. I’m still in the thick of it as I am learning to be single again.

I shall be moving into an apartment next week and arranging movers for my cottage in the week. At least I can close those chapters. And then I’m sure there’ll be more grief. It saddens me a lot that S seems completely unaffected by everything, I am just an inconvenience at best.

Separation/divorce is a horrible thing to go through, especially as the one that didn’t want it to go that far. I feel dejected, useless, worthless etc and this has compounded my depression.

But there’s definitely a divide between feelings. I just hope I can repair the damage eventually.

Medication changes

Saw my psychiatrist today. We’ve added Fluoxetine to the mix and decreased the Sodium Valporate by 500mg because she thinks that might be adding to my tiredness. Although it is helping with my headaches and migraines would you believe! I’m happy with the outcome, as happy as a chronic depressed person can be.

Since going for a swim it’s like it’s taken everything out of me and I’m shattered. But I’m determined to hold onto that good feeling and try again tomorrow.

The panicky feelings aren’t going away. I just need court to be over. And I’m split in two minds about going to the UK. I get the feeling S is withdrawing his financial support as we get closer to September (when we can legally divorce), and my benefits change from leaving the house. It’s all long and boring, but I’m feeling the pinch and I have closing bills to pay, storage to pay, a new deposit to pay on this scungey apartment. I don’t really have the means to support myself in the UK and what if S leaves me  with nothing in the UK? I could be trapped. I’m feeling like I’ve lost all control over every aspect of my life. 

On a plus side, I did get an interview following a big CV drop (online) so I just hope something will come up for me. Unfortunately it’s at a time when the kids should be finishing school, so I’m going to have to take them with me – again. It’s never a good look taking kids, but what else can I do? S isn’t here. I’m not sure how he’s expecting  it to go once I start work. I won’t have the flexibility I do now. And god knows, I’ll need my salary. He’s gotten so used to going away and working late and functions at the drop of a hat, I think it’ll be quite a shock for him having to juggle childcare again. But I’m getting ahead of myself – I still need to get a job first.

I’ll just be glad to be in my own place (as scungey as it might be), and get somewhere with the job hunting. At the moment I’m sick of being an unwanted house guest, grappling with this ugly mental condition and hopefully finding some hope for my future. Although that concept seems laughable at the moment.