I know it’s been awhile since I last updated my blog. My emotions have been swinging so quickly like a pendulum it’s been hard to really capture any particular mood. Or any real direction.
After being in the hospital for two nights I went to a respite facility that was actually quite nice. I hadn’t seen my family and I was missing them hugely, but I was on new medication and feeling the effects of that. I swung between being determined to grab life by the horns and give it my best shot and giving up altogether because everything seemed like such hard work. Even typing an entry for this blog felt like a huge amount of energy.
Finally I am back looking after the children and S has gone away. So it’s a case of out of the frying pan into the fire. I’m really enjoying my time with them though, and although I’m more tired than normal I’m making my time with them more special.
I did talk to S while I was here about the possibility of us getting back together and me living here again. Suffice to say it’s not go down well he rejected me out of hand . In fact I was shocked at how quickly he turned me down out of hand. I thought he might at least want to consider it. As he is away anyway every week it makes sense because I’m at the house to look after the children. It’s not only that obviously I do want to repair our marriage and I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to help us get back on track. I want to look at the damage that was caused and throw myself into the repairs. I’m old now and I want my family, I don’t like living alone, and I don’t like spreading the kids out. I just want everything back to normal. It hurt so much when S said no immediately. Although I did choose to tell him at the time he was working under stress for a Time pressured assignment. As the time has gone on I have convinced myself that is the best thing for me to move back , for a myriad of reasons, and gently work on our damaged marriage. But I can’t see S agreeing any time soon so I don’t know what will happen on that front.
As for now I’m taking each day as it comes and enjoying my children and seeing them is my greatest accomplishments.
Photos – games at my house
Taking the kids out to dinner