My suffering is complex.

Brought about by a brutal rape, my parents that I’d regarded as my protectors letting me down. Not offering the support and guidance that I needed, that might have changed the course of my healing.

The abuse of an ex, with his wicked temper, the physical attacks and the sexual humiliation.

Alone in the world, no trust, no basis to build a relationship I travelled alone. Sensing an emptiness but unsure how to find my completion.

A terrible experience through an attempt at justice later on. The cop with his shrewd words, promises of protection, eager to care for me and offer me solace when my husband seemed so distracted by work. Groomed, boundaries broken.

A marriage over.

A girl left broken.

I’m a girl in a woman’s body. Afraid. Untrusting and like a full 180, I am empty and alone.

Seeking solace in the wrong places.

But I’m so guarded. I don’t trust easily. Everyone is a wolf to me, eager to feed on my flesh and drain my blood.

I want to move invisibly through life, I want to be left alone. Yet who will hear my cries in the night?

Does anyone care? 

I’m a broken girl in a woman’s body. Im empty, im afraid and I will never trust again.

Why did this happen to me? Why? 

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3 thoughts on “

  1. Hi Penny
    I’ve experienced similar trauma, have felt like guarded and spent my younger trying to be invisible. Our mental illness can look very different when going or have gone thru trauma. I was almost 30 before getting married for fear of them and more fear for myself.
    The relationship lasted 13 years but the signs of a bad ending were pushed aside. In the midst of early recovery we start to ask questions, the challenge is to work thru the experiences with a Therapist. As you move away from the trauma you may be able to breath and see your life different or a Therapist can help you learn coping skills.
    Your wounds are fresh the most uncertain time about the future. For me, focusing on the best I could do in the day I was is helped.
    I hope you have or find good mental healthcare which may help long term, it’s a tough battle only you can fight. I wish you the best. You can read post from Contributors in different stages of recovery at http://www.survivorsbloghere.wordpress.
    Xx M

    Like

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