Today I went to the day centre and I didn’t feel very relaxed. I did talk to the staff and a guest speaker who was there to discuss pharmaceuticals. I felt obligated to be polite and partake in the discussion but really I was tired and couldn’t think very well. Ironically he thought I came across so well he assumed that I was well, these kind of remarks feel quite dismissive. Just because I am functioning and hiding my feelings well doesn’t mean I’m any less well or any better than anyone else.
I had therapy this afternoon and I talked about how my inner child is really on the surface and seeking comfort and nurturing . Even during the session I picked up a cuddly toy and held onto it. I didn’t feel the need to talk about anything specific in therapy and felt a little bit like I was just paying lip service by being there.
When I returned to respite, I felt considerably more tired and quite low.
I was able to squeeze in a hair appointment because I thought that might pick me up. My hair has been especially neglected.
But all that happened was I ended up having long conversations with my hairdresser that I wasn’t really in the mood for, plus my hair cost me a fortune and left me feeling broke. So I returned to respite and crawled into bed. I was upset that I feel low again. I thought I was improving. Last night I slept so well. And I had every faith my new medication regime was going to pick me up.
Instead I’m anxious and afraid that it won’t work and I’ll continue to feel low. I feel such a sense of loss and disappointment.
I messaged my case worker and he told me recovery is never straight forward. I suppose it stands to reason that it wouldn’t be linear. I just wish I could feel happy.