In respite, I’m really getting the rest I need. I miss my home but feel this is the best suited place for me at the moment.
I saw the kids for a few hours today and it was really nice to be with them, be part of their lives.
S’s mother has come down to look after the kids. I can’t stand her and I know this gives her LOTS of ammo over me when it comes to the divorce but the reality is, I can’t be on duty again next week. I’m exhausted and my patience is frayed. I really do need the time to get through this. And here I have no responsibility, no commitments and no one to ferry around. I know it sounds incredibly self indulgent and selfish as a mother, but I really do want to be my best for the kids. At the moment I’m severely lacking and trying to look after the kids to stop S’s mum is simply a stubborn and selfish thing to do. At least I know they’ll be relatively safe.
I can use this week to sort out medications and hopefully find the will to live! I had to admit that my medication review has given me hope. I think I was so disappointed these medications seemed to stop working and lost hope. It stupidly didn’t occur to me that I could take some different pills. Admittedly I’ve tried a full raft of pills, but there’s always new things added and combinations to try.
Tomorrow my case manager is taking me to see this new day programme for nut cases. I’m not sure if I’m ready to be thrown into the fire but I’ve told him if it’s too much, I’m leaving. But at least I’m trying. I have also booked a drs appointment for tomorrow afternoon to get my migraine medication on prescription. Over the counter it’s very expensive and is really chowing through my money.
I actually slept last night and didn’t wake with a migraine which is a huge contrast to the last few nights prior. My head felt like a balloon – it was amazing! I’m wondering if that’s due to my reducing/stopping the olanzapine. I’ve noticed my hunger is already getting into more neutral territory.
I’m still overly emotional and taking everything in the worst way possible. But at least I’m hidden away here, and it’s warm and safe and there’s no expectations of me.