I am now back in S’s house. My low is continuing to get worse. It’s like the medication has just stopped working. Today I was so spaced out and I had to drive to my therapy appointment. Therapy was really just paying lip service, I couldn’t feel anything in order to engage. It ended up being an hour of inane chat. I just hope that there was some release for my brain that will pay off at some stage.
I picked the kids up from school, and have done little else since. The days are blurring into each other, the storm that hit Queensland, Australia has arrived here and reflects my mood perfectly. I don’t know what I’m going to do any more, it’s hard to feel hope when I’m already on so much medication. It’s hard to believe that I will ever feel better again. In fact I’m so low I even had to warn S to keep his mother on standby to come and look after the children, which shows just how bad I am to ask about her. I’m desperate not to let my children down, I also feel I owe it to S, I want to be able to look after my own children; but I can barely look after myself.
I can barely be bothered to contribute to this blog. But it has become an important part of my life, documenting my moods and situations. So much I wouldn’t of seen coming, so many experiences, it will be interesting to read these logs back, but that will be a long time away as I can barely concentrate. It would be nice to think I could read them back and not have a clue how this feels right now.
The best thing that could happen right now is for me to get sideswiped by a Mack truck and my family would be compensated by both the state and the insurance policy that I took out. At least they won’t have to deal with the stigma of suicide, and don’t have this disappointing, fat, lazy person as their mother.