Bad

Thursday. I’m drained and I recognise my mood has dipped. It’s been on a plateau, but I recognise that for some reason, either the medication isn’t working or it’s some sort of breakthrough depression.

I emailed my case manager yesterday and explained how I felt. Also that during the long Easter weekend S would be home and thought I should use that time to rest at mine, but I was actually scared. Scared to be alone with my crushing thoughts.

I’m seeing him tomorrow, I’ve also readily agreed to the new anti psychotic, having read about it, I think it’s the right decision.

S’s house is a mess. Not good for him to return too. I’ve tried staying on top of it. Forcing myself bouts of tidying/laundry. But with three kids off today, I can’t keep up. I’m tired in every fibre of my being and I’m so very miserable. 

I had begged S to come back earlier but he’s literally not been able too. Wellington airport was at a standstill because of the fog.

Again, I can’t imagine feeling ‘normal’ anymore. I’m riddled with depression. My perception of everything is grey, colourless. I hate my reflection with vigorous intensity. My body is over weight, ugly, fat oozes out of my clothes. My face is puffy, my eyes dark, my skin tone is uneven.

I hate myself and what I’ve become. A useless mother, a failure, pathetic, rambling old and weak.

I would like to thank ‘Manyofus’ and ‘AlicewithPTSD’ immensely for the never ending support. I use my blog as an outlet as I don’t feel able to talk to anyone and they have continually tried to bring me up and for that I’m eternally grateful. Particularly as they face their own battles.

I read other blogs but I’ve stopped commenting. I feel like I have nothing of worth to contribute. I just sit here silently holding out for the other members of the WordPress community to seek wellness. Have everything they deserve to have, to be happy.

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8 thoughts on “Bad

  1. Penny, there have been many times when you are so supportive of bloggers in this community, it is okay and understandable that it is too much to comment right now. I hate that this depression is overwhelming you. I’m still thinking of you and sending out supportive thoughts. Please give yourself break. 💟xx

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    1. Thank you xx I read your blog all the time and am AMAZED how you are able to continually offer support to the community, you are so selfless, compassionate and caring. I just want to hug you until all the hurt comes out xx

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  2. First, I’m new to the community and I’m now blogging because I want to help people. Second, I’m not a therapist nor trained in handling PTSD. So here it goes, your story breaks my heart and that’s why I’m commenting. The meds could be adding to your emptiness, every time you feel like you’re in an endless abyss use self-talk and identify the problem, “I’m on meds, this is not me.” Take practical steps to get yourself back to feeling normal. Write down what those steps are. It could be as simple as #1 brush my teeth. Any step completed is an accomplishment as you continually accomplish those steps and they are apart of you, create others. You have a story that can help others, but you have to be committed to getting better. I will be thinking of you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your comment, I agree about setting goals. It’s very hard to differentiate between what is me, what is the illness and what are side effects, a bit of everything. But the medication always gave me hope, it seemed to ‘fix’ the symptoms of my deep rooted pain and allow me to work on my therapy. Or maybe I was just pushing real feelings aside and over medicating. It’s a paradox. But as they, keep it simple stupid! So I know I should be recognising achievements rather than hating myself and see everything a failure. It’s a childhood engrained philosophy to maintain almost unattainable levels of perfection. I am trying to do everything I can for my children and for their sake. I’m glad I admitted my state to my case manager and can at last reach out. Welcome to WordPress! I hope you find it helpful

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      1. Don’t do anything for your children. Don’t do anything for anyone else. Practical steps, remind yourself daily. Thank you for the warm welcome and following my measly attempt at blogging. 🙂

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  3. I know where you are and how you’re feeling. Were it not for blogging, I honestly don’t know where I’d be today. I’m still clinically depressed and oftentimes, feel just like you do. I sit alone in my house, with my shades drawn…waiting for night to fall so I can maybe sleep.
    As far as you feeling as you have “nothing of worth” to say to other bloggers, that is not true. You share your story, as we all do. Sometimes, knowing that we are not alone in this fight for sanity, well-being and normalcy is almost life-saving. Don’t comment if you don’t want to but know that we’re out there….pulling for you. We are band of bloggies.

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  4. penny, you think all these bad things about yourself, they arent true. its the depression talking. you will get strong and well again, and i am always here, supporting you, ❤ xoxo

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