Thursday. I’m drained and I recognise my mood has dipped. It’s been on a plateau, but I recognise that for some reason, either the medication isn’t working or it’s some sort of breakthrough depression.
I emailed my case manager yesterday and explained how I felt. Also that during the long Easter weekend S would be home and thought I should use that time to rest at mine, but I was actually scared. Scared to be alone with my crushing thoughts.
I’m seeing him tomorrow, I’ve also readily agreed to the new anti psychotic, having read about it, I think it’s the right decision.
S’s house is a mess. Not good for him to return too. I’ve tried staying on top of it. Forcing myself bouts of tidying/laundry. But with three kids off today, I can’t keep up. I’m tired in every fibre of my being and I’m so very miserable.
I had begged S to come back earlier but he’s literally not been able too. Wellington airport was at a standstill because of the fog.
Again, I can’t imagine feeling ‘normal’ anymore. I’m riddled with depression. My perception of everything is grey, colourless. I hate my reflection with vigorous intensity. My body is over weight, ugly, fat oozes out of my clothes. My face is puffy, my eyes dark, my skin tone is uneven.
I hate myself and what I’ve become. A useless mother, a failure, pathetic, rambling old and weak.
I would like to thank ‘Manyofus’ and ‘AlicewithPTSD’ immensely for the never ending support. I use my blog as an outlet as I don’t feel able to talk to anyone and they have continually tried to bring me up and for that I’m eternally grateful. Particularly as they face their own battles.
I read other blogs but I’ve stopped commenting. I feel like I have nothing of worth to contribute. I just sit here silently holding out for the other members of the WordPress community to seek wellness. Have everything they deserve to have, to be happy.