I had one night last week at my house and I had a migraine the entire time so I didn’t get the rest that I really wanted. I’m back at S’s house now and the kids are in bed. Egg has been really sick for the last couple of days with a tummy bug, I had to pick H up from school because apparently he was acting unwell and he’s been super tired since he’s been back and has been sleeping on and off. And my eldest is suffering with really bad period pain which is unfortunately something she’s inherited from her mother. Let’s hope that’s the only thing she inherits.
It’s only Monday and I’m already feeling frazzled. My body continues to ache in a way that slows me down and makes me feel cumbersome and old. The weather has been predictably miserable, although we are nearly in autumn now, and that’s usually my favourite season. To be honest with the mood I am in, wrapping up or curling up with a hot water bottle sounds idyllic and suits how I feel.
Luckily this week is quiet for me with only a therapy session planned. That’s if I get to go, if the kids are well enough.
I only watched English programs today, I was so keen to get out of the UK when we were last there, it seems ridiculous to think I miss it. But last time I was forced to relocate, S worked long hours, and I was going through the police investigation. Now the idea of being there as a tourist is so appealing. There is something to be said for being around your own people. Conversation flows much easier, and I miss the English humour. I miss my home comforts, my favourite foods, my favourite places, and a well-made cup of tea. I wonder if this is part of my current need to feel nurtured. As its the familiar things I miss, the things that make me feel comfortable and cared for, safe and homely.
I’m starting to think I will remain at this lower level of functioning. Although I did swell with pride at the parent teacher interviews, and I still get that warm rush when I pick my children up from school, I can’t remember feeling joy or happiness. My mind is a mess of a worst case scenarios, relief when the worst case scenario doesn’t happen and preparation for the worst case scenarios. It’s not a mentally healthy place to be at and it’s very tiring.
I have no idea what happened to that police officer in the UK. As usual I wasn’t updated. I noticed in some news articles there is a reference to a police officer that was fired for gross misconduct but it’s anyone’s guess if it was him or not. I don’t try to look up the rapist, I don’t want his face in my head, and it would drive me insane thinking about his movements.
My circle is becoming increasingly smaller. I find it too hard to maintain relationships with people. I’m just very unsocial and I hate to say it again but I am also just too tired.
Dating isn’t an option for me. The ironic thing is that the only person I can trust is actually S. He knows me intimately and I don’t just mean sexually, I know that if I got ill he would still have my back. I know that for all our arguments, all the bad things we’ve said to each other and all the horrible things we’ve thought about each other surmount to nothing if either of us need one another. I know that if I dated someone I would never give them all of me, because I have already given it to S. And I can honestly say, that if he needed me I would drop everything and anyone and be there for him. I know that S has moved on and sees me as somewhat of a burden perhaps he mostly tolerates me because he needs me to look after his children, and because I am his children’s mother, but I do believe that in my darkest hour he would help me. Despite all the bitterness we still have a bond, and I don’t think I could have that with anybody else.
That’s the only time I’ll say that. I wouldn’t say it to him! I’ll stick with bitching about him!
I’ve noticed my insomnia is getting worse, even though my meds haven’t changed. It’s like I’m tired but my brain keeps thinking about all these different things at night usually not good things. I’ve been lectured enough by various doctors about ‘sleep hygiene.’ And I follow their advice. There is no TV in the room, I turn my phone off at night, I try to eat at the same time as the kids around 5.30/ 6 o’clock. And I don’t drink coffee in the evenings. But still my brain keeps whirring and in the end I give up and start reading a book.
I’m not sure if I’ll just carry on like this, if I break, or better yet I’ll start to feel better. It’s anyone’s guess.