I’m alone for the first time in a long time in my own home. I had the kids overnight and I had to basically beg S to pick them up in the morning. As much as I miss them terribly I know that for the sake of my mental health I really needed a period of time to have some good sleep and rest and not worry about anybody else.
Mostly I have read today which has been really nice, I watched Terminator which was really good as usual, and I retreated back to my bed for an early night with my book.
When S had arrived earlier, I went to hug him, I’m not sure why I did it, maybe it was a little bit of anxiety about being left alone, maybe it was just instinctive, but mostly I think it was about having some contact with somebody that felt safe and reassuring after a long and emotionally draining week. Every time I’ve done this S has baulked in response, that’s a mixture of disgust and almost a shock as though I am using hotplates to touch him. I don’t know why I thought the mood would be mutually relaxed because he seems to really hate any way that I touch him. Even if we are sat on the sofa and I move in a way that touches part of him he flinches, and it’s hard not to take it personally. Like I am that repulsive, that dirty, that he just can’t bear to be around me. Which then makes me think the when he is nice he is doing it because he has an ulterior motive. It’s like he’s pretending to be nice but the true feeling is exhibited when I have touched him. I don’t know if that is an irrational fear, but it certainly has made me more aware, and perhaps more on guard.
I do miss the children, but the 1:4 ratio is really difficult. Especially on these medications, especially in this low.
But I’m back on duty Sunday night, and then next week.
Next weekend I’m banking on a long weekend at my place alone. I realise that it might be a little bit more anxiety provoking for me, because on my own the bad thoughts have plenty of opportunity to breed, and suck me dry of any hope, of any positivity. I mostly just want to sleep, I just want to remain in my home, shut away from everyone and not to worry about anything.
But first there’s next week to get through.