I am my depression 

When I move my arms and legs it feels like I have sand bags tied to me. My movements feel uncoordinated, heavy, cumbersome and achy. My eyes feel grainy, I rub them but they are still heavy and tired. 

I feel like I am about to have flu, but it’s a  general feeling of malaise, but I know it’s not a virus and deep within me.

I go to do something and then I forget what I was doing and I feel frustrated because I am so forgetful, and then I felt tired and sad and useless.

When I smile it feels strange and unreal. Really my face is screwed up into a ball because I’m often concentrating or rather trying to concentrate because my brain won’t stay on the right track.

Noise, it sounds like nails on a chalkboard board, intermittent noise is make me jump and put me on edge.

People, I can’t do people, I can’t do the crowns I can’t do the stimulation, it’s both drowning and Over whelming.

Nothing makes me feel better, I can rest with a book, but I’m not happy I’m just being, I’m aware of the aches and my body I feel like I’m  100 years old and my bones will snap at the slightest movement.

I sigh a lot, but I’m not relaxed. I often feel out of breath even when I haven’t moved much because my anxiety is so powerful.

Often it feels like everything is going against me, like some force but I can’t control. That is totally irrational and yet a part of me feels and must have some reality.

I don’t know who I am some of the time. I know I am a mother, I am a friend, I am a daughter, I am a sister, I am an ex wife , but I don’t feel like a woman, I just feel like a thing.

Sometimes I can cry over nothing for ages. Sometimes i feel no emotion at all.

Sometimes I feel angry and ashamed

Sometimes I feel confused and scared.

Now it is night time and I’m so tired I want to sleep but I can’t. My brain is going over the bad things I can’t shut down.

I wish I could be nurtured and cared for and loved.

And yet I don’t always like affection it triggers me.

I feel like my one understands me I am a misnomer, and exception, and odd one, and a big contradiction

I am in a major depressive episode. Or is this just me?

I take the pills, I follow my doctors advice, I do everything I can be for the people that need me in the capacity that I am.

And yet I feel like a failure.

How can my life be so full of complications and how come my brain so defunct and useless?


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