This week is yet again a very long tiring week. I havent managed to sleep well since the accident. I have stayed in touch though, through the husband checking in on the woman.
I was offered an interview for a job that i applied for sometime ago, even though I’ve decided that I don’t want to do full time work; I wasn’t going to turn down an interview . So I went and it was a mediocre interview, I don’t think I’ll get that job. I was then telephoned for an interview which was unexpected but I ended up withdrawing my application for that particular role because frankly I found the manager really rude.
I also had parents interviews at the school, so that was all afternoon as you can imagine with three of the children at that school. The feedback was really good, very positive about all the children, so at least I seem to be doing something right.
Yesterday I took them on for a haircut, they were really well-behaved and it was nice to see them with a new hair afterwards.
Today I saw the physiotherapist for my hand. Although I was really anxious about it I know it was something that had to be done. I have a different kind of splint on that ‘s supposed to help get my ligaments into place, as I’ll never be able to fully rest that hand, hopefully this will take some strain off.
I then went for my therapy session. I arrived early as I often do so I can sit with a coffee and unwind. I ran into some people I know and it was good to catch up with them. But when my counsellor came out, she immediately told me that she expected me yesterday and she didn’t look very happy at all. In fact she was positively pissed off that I had come today instead of yesterday. I explained that she had made this appointment especially because of my hospital appointment. She insisted that I was wrong, but then she went through and checked her messages on her phone and saw the text messages. She apologised profusely , I have to say I was left with a bad feeling. I have to say I needed that appointment considering what a long and emotionally traumatic week it’s been.
She had another client so she couldn’t see me, so I went home to try and rest as my head was pounding all day.
It wasn’t long before I had to leave again anyway to pick up the kids.
I started to make spaghetti Bolognese, but then realised there werent the bolognese ingredients , so I just ended up ordering pizza. The kids were happy, but I’m just feeling really fed up now.
I noticed the steering on S’s car is particularly hard/noisy it’s hard to explain. No doubt he will be really pissed off with me about this. It will be covered under insurance, but that’s not the point I shouldn’t of damaged S’s car and hit a cyclist in the first place.
I’m not looking forward to his response over this. I imagine he’ll be shitty, but rather than shout, he’ll succeed in making me feel like shit with subtle comments and little remarks.
Everything feels so hard. It feels like everything keeps happening against me. But what really bugs me I suppose is that I’m supposed to keep on going. It would have been nice to have taken a reprieve after the accident. I know I was at fault, but as one of my friends kindly pointed out – I was still in the accident. But instead, as usual I’m forced to suppress all of my fears, sadness, guilt, regret because I have the kids. And of course, they didn’t think twice when I had to drive again, they didn’t know my night was bad. And today with therapy, there’s no support, I can only send a brief update to S. Why??? Habit I suppose. Even though I left the place in near tears.
The kids are bothering me constantly as I try and write this entry. There’s always a need, a demand for something, well of course, they’re children and I want to give them whatever they’re asking for. But I’m so very tired.
I keep picturing myself taking off for a few days. Leaving S to handle the kids, just enjoying silence, fresh scenery, freedom, not being bugged every second. But I couldn’t do that to my children, and therein lies the problem. The bonds that tie us.
I feel stuck in a really shitty rut, I see no way out. I see no way to being happy and content.
I have no confidence, I feel beaten down. I’m desperate to curl up in bed (in MY house) and sleep the days away.