I came back to my house yesterday afternoon and immediately felt really relaxed and at peace. Last week felt like a really long and stressful week and the night before I came home I was  sick in the toilet during the night; I’m not sure why that happened but I felt really tired as a result.

Last night I relaxed in front of a movie with a bottle of wine, and it felt nice not to worry about getting anything for the children or having to go anywhere.

S has told me that for the next two weeks he will be away from Monday to Friday, that is a long time to be looking after children alone and a long time to be away from my house. I have told him that I won’t be able to find even a part time job because I’m spending so much time between houses I could never offer consistency to a position, and I have explained that makes me nervous financially and he has reassured me that he would never leave me in a situation where I didn’t have money. And I choose to believe this because he’s never not given me any money and he’s often helped me out when he can financially.

Next week is the school interviews so I will be seeing the three teachers for my children, I won’t deny that I am anxious about the those because I have been avoiding most contact with people. I want to show interest in my children’s learning and stay on top of communication with the teachers that’s the least I can do for them. I also have my appointment at the hospital for my hand which I intend to go through with because I still have limited movement in my right hand. And I have therapy again next week after my hospital appointment. So a lot more movement for me, even though my anxiety is high.

I did try taking the olanzapine 5mg (PRN) and I found that really helps with my agitation. As previously Id used diazepam for extreme restlessness and irritability but using olanzapine is the way to go. It did make me tired but not so tired is that I was dozing off, instead it gave me A feeling of being chemically relaxed.

It’s lovely to wake up naturally in my home this morning with the sun shining, I’ve had some fresh coffee and I am feeling nicely relaxed. I have to head over the hill later though because S is leaving so early on Monday morning.

Everything is very much a blur, I think because there is no routine for me. I can’t decide if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. At least I don’t have time to sit around and think about how overwhelming everything is.


2 thoughts on “Rest

  1. I’m glad you are back in your own home for a time, so you can feel a little more peaceful. I wanted to tell you that you are a good mom. I hope you are hearing this, Penny. From the first time I read your blog, (years ago now!) and through all that time, the care you have for your kids has also shown through. Even when you feel awful and depressed, you still get up and take care of them. That is what good moms do. But no matter how much you care for them, five days is a long time to look after kids on your own. When hubby is working crazy hours and not around to help with looking after Kat at all for days in a row, it’s tough. That would be true for all moms. Hang in there Penny. You are doing good. Xx


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