Inside out

This is me….


And this is what keeps me together… 


2 x weeks worth in here. A high dose of the antidepressant Effexor, amitryptilin (anti depressant), olanzapine (anti psychotic, used as a mood stabiliser.


Zopiclone for sleep


Olanzapine PRN 


Diazepam (Valium) PRN.

I need this cocktail to get through the days and nights. And even then, I can still feel miserable, not sleep well and feel panicky.

In my picture I look relatively normal. Who would know before this was taken I was feeling so bad, I had to drag myself out of bed to get some fresh air and sun because I’ve pretty much spent the last couple of days in bed. And even I know that sun and fresh air are supposed to help.

I also had one of those bloody ‘parcel to collect’ cards. Meaning I had to deviate from the usual school run, find a park and go into the post shop. I did consider getting S to do it on Saturday, but I already rely on him enough.

The meds cost NZ$50 a time and I’m too broke right now, so I had to ask if I could delay payment until next week. I go in there enough so they know me, but still, that made me feel like shit.

My car is running low on fuel and my rego is still overdue.

Can you tell by looking at me that I am such a fuck up?

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2 thoughts on “Inside out

  1. dont be so hard on yourself. you need meds for a good reason! I also delayed paying for mine this week. So dont feel bad. I only pay 25 though but still I didnt have enough money this week. its ok, your not failing or a fuck up. xxx

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  2. You are not a failure! Look at how much you have accomplished despite the pain and challenges you have lived through. It’s easy to be hard on yourself, it’s easy to be cruel to yourself. You are okay. Medication doesn’t make you a failure. Sending hugs and support. Xx

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