Physical heap 

I’m starting to wonder if my migraines are some sort of psychological symptoms, as opposed to just a normal migraine. I’ve been struggling with my mood recently even more so than normal, and as such my migraines have become a daily occurrence.

This morning I woke up in so much pain despite waking in the night and taking ibuprofen. I ended up having to drive to the chemist to get something stronger. It strikes me as a coincidence that I’m getting these migraines when I’m certainly at my worst physically and mentally.

I gave up my regular swimming and workout routine, because my social anxiety was at such a magnitude I can’t do anything without feeling panicky and anxious. I barely walk anywhere now and I keep my routes direct. Driving and parking in specific areas only.

I feel like my skin is unhealthy, my nails are brittle and breaking really low, my skin is dry, overall I’m just not taking very good care of myself. But I am showering every day which is an improvement, because in previous lows I havent  even been able to do that.

I seem to be able to hide my shoddy appearance. When I go to therapy I make sure I’m smartly dressed and well groomed. It would take a trained eye to notice or someone just willing to spend a bit of extra time to see that my appearance isn’t entirely what it seems. Like a man and in a really nice suit but wearing really bad shoes, with holes, worn down, laces missing etc. How many people would have noticed his shoes? Especially with a big smile and a happy exterior.

Today has been another mission to try to keep on top of the mess of the house. S arrived home really late again from his journey, and I’m absolutely exhausted. I slept most of today I think because of my headache. It was actually a nice sunny day but I just couldn’t face it worried that my headache would get worse/couldn’t be bothered to enjoy the day.

I feel like a functioning heap of crap. The children don’t understand my tiredness and why I  seem so grumpy even I am fed up with myself.

When I think I can fight it and try to do something different I am get chest pain and  shortness of breath and feel that I’m going to do this in public. I’m sick of the panic attacks and anxiety over riding my plans. Add to that my internal monologue where I constantly put myself down.

I feel like I’m failing in every aspect of my life. And what kind of life am i living? between two houses, half a parent to my children. Depending on chemicals to get me through the day, to sleep at night.

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One thought on “Physical heap 

  1. hi penny so sorry you are doing so bad physically. that has to be really hard. your a good mom though, when I read I see love for your kids, and dont beat yourself up for having to be on meds lots of us have to be. hugs, xx

    Like

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