Today has been another long day for me. Firstly I saw my therapist, I talked with her about the trigger I had yesterday and I hadn’t realised how much of an impact it had on me and how much it had a ripple effect on my thought processes. I discussed how drained I’d been made to feel, I talked about my fears as to whether my attacker had premeditated his attack. Did he make a beeline for me, knowing what he planned to do? Or did he ‘end up’ with me? Did he plan on having sex that night but not preempt the rejection? Or was he going to do whatever he wanted? The thoughts went round and round in my head and I expressed the them all to my therapist I told my therapist I felt closure for me would be being able to ask him these questions and get the answers regardless of whether I like them or not.
This then went on to the police officer and how he had abused his position of power. I wanted to know if he actually did feel anything towards me or was I one of many of his targets? Had the other women been wrong? Did he actually have sincere feelings for me? Or was I just another notch on the bedpost (so to speak) or just another fucked up person he was able to seduce? Then this lead onto feeling let down by S as he knew something wasn’t right but didn’t do anything about it. In essence there was a snowball of different feelings, anger, grief, confusion, powerlessness, and worst of all shame.
I know I’ll never get the answers that I desperately crave. I’ll be left with the monotony of confusion and despair and loneliness.
I’m glad that I was able to verbalise all of this in therapy, it’s amazing how freeing it is to say things out loud even though I don’t always know what’s going to come out of my mouth.
There was a brief reprieve and then I caught up with my psychiatrist. I was completely honest about my feelings of being suicidal when I stopped taking the olanzapine. I told her that I had planned my suicide and it was only because the children were with me that I didn’t follow through and I had to drop them off back at S’s anyway. I explained that I hadn’t felt safe being alone after that for some time and so I spent some days at S’s house. I was able to tell her that the medication was working again and that I’d only had brief thoughts of suicide mostly out of being defeated by this mental illness. I also told her that S was going to be away more meaning I was going to be at this house a lot more than I had imagined and I’ll be looking after the kids full time. Of course I’m stressed about juggling everything, but as long as I maintain open communication with my therapist and psychiatrist hopefully I can get through it.
After these two blocks of time spent with pretty important people in terms of my mental health, I’ve picked up the kids from school now they’re running around the house screaming. There will be no time for me to debrief, unwind, and take in events of the day.
My psychiatrist has told me to try taking olanzapine at 5 mg PRN to help with agitation, as the diazepam is only really good for panic. She warns this may leave me more woozy, so I shouldn’t take it when I know I need to drive. It’s not much but hopefully it’s another thing I can rely on to help with my mood at the moment. She’s also suggested later on down the track trying a new antipsychotic that doesn’t have weight gain as a side effect, but I am wanting to wait a bit longer before I try anything else as I have felt too unstable at the moment.
The reality is that I am faced with today are that a, I either registered on a rapists radar, and nothing could’ve stopped happening what happened, or b, this person took a spontaneous moment to have a his way with me, and it could’ve been any one. And c, a police officer either saw me as an attractive and healthy woman with whom he wanted to eventually have to date and would fall in love with or d, I was one of his many preferred victims that was vulnerable, a victim of sexual assault, and easy to manipulate.
I will never get the answers on either. I have to learn to breathe and move on with my life, but at the moment my brain is drowning in different thoughts and upsets and my depression is making it really hard to think clearly.
The drugs are useful to keep me functioning, but it would be nice if I could find my own closure, move on and feel better.
Now I need to go and cook dinner for four children and pretend that today hasn’t happened for now.