The limbo

S is under more pressure from work to work longer! I’m already here most of the week because of his trips away, social engagements and late finishes. Now he is supposed to spend full weeks at a time away. Meaning I’ll essentially be living here for the next few months, weekending at my place. Although it’s less than ideal, and today the timing was off because it was a ‘bad’ day for me; I feel bad for him. This company is far from family oriented and he’s working with up and coming millennials, with big dreams, no commitments and lots of time to offer. I know he loves the kids and I feel bad for them as he comes home tired and grouchy and usually has to take calls or go on his laptop. They miss him. I’m also aware that he knows I’m struggling and there isn’t much he can do to make my life any easier.
I’m not sure why he took this job, considering it’s reputation for running people into the ground. Perhaps he wanted to prove that he ‘still had it.’ It certainly wasn’t for my benefit, and I know that providing for the kids is really important to him. Although he might be providing financially, I’m worried that he sees less and less of them.

While he works, I’ll continue being the best single mother I can. But that’s no easy task. Take today for example, I have had 2 kids off from school sick, had to grab the third one at lunchtime. I’m tired, like emotionally and mentally exhausted. I’ve had no time to unwind. The migraines are back with a vengeance. I was triggered by something today  and it really reverberated with me. There was a programme I’d recorded and in between dealing with the kids I had it playing Broadchurch (as English drama) and it was covering a rape. The victim says the rapist wore a condom (a wrapper was found at the scene). It reminded me of how after my rape, my friend and I had to scour the room looking for a condom. In the program the condom proved intent and I wondered when the rapist decided to attack me. Was that premeditated or spontaneous?

Frankly in response to such triggering overload I fell asleep in sheer exhaustion. Unusually I don’t believe I dreamed in this particular nap. The kids were left to the own devices and luckily for me they didn’t trash the house, S got back late again and made dinner. But he had a punishing headache and was stressed from work, so I think he probably needed me to be more organised and on to it.

I feel like I am surviving from one day to the next with no end in sight. Tomorrow I see my therapist and my psychiatrist so I will discuss my concerns with them and try to form strategies to keep me healthy.

I feel like I can’t afford to become unwell, I’m also conscious that S has had to deal with things alone when I’ve been unwell in the past, so I really want to be well and to look after our children, as I’ve let him down in the past.

I’m also conscious that I can’t  possibly find part time work while I’m looking after the kids and trying to look after myself. This concerns me as it’s been my intention to provide for myself financially. But as I’m living in one town and staying temporarily in another and doing long hours anything else seems impossible.

I’m trying to manage finances as best I can at the moment but as always it’s certainly a learning curve.

I find myself in this strange limbo. Left with lots of responsibilities and no support for myself. i’m sure that S feels the same but then he has me here so he is free to do as he needs to.

Hopefully therapy will provide some insight tomorrow.

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