I’m still at S’s house, I can’t explain why that is aside from the fact he has clearly needed me for childcare as he’s been considerably late every day. Harry has been sick with a bug so I’m glad I can be here for him. But there is an element of feeling almost anxious about going back to my own home even though i miss it which is a paradox. I suppose a similar occurrence happened when I moved into the other house, for the first couple of weeks maybe even longer I found excuses to stay longer at S’s house. Unlike previously it’s not that I’m trying to hang on to something that’s gone, I just don’t really fancy being on my own right now and perhaps as the last time I was there I felt so down; pretty much suicidal I’m nervous about going back to the same space. But it is something that I really need to do, not only that but I really need a break it’s been really full on with the kids as well as everything else all the time.
If S feels I am outstaying my welcome he hasn’t said anything, on the contrary he’s been very accommodating. I guess somewhere along the line he realises I’m feeling anxious about being alone again. If I thought Harry was not going to school on Monday I can take him back over the hill with me.
I met up with a friend for coffee today which I haven’t done for such a long time and was sure I could push through. Okay so I wasn’t too bad about the whole thing, in my mind I could see myself leaving and going back to the house, but I pushed through it and also I was keen to try to have some semblance of being a normal person.
It was quite nice to have adult company and to be out of the house without my children. But I could not have lasted more than two hours I could feel anxiety was starting to seep in. And that’s the thing with anxiety it hides in the corner, and lets you know its presence is there, the more you try to ignore it, the more it seems to appear larger and looming over you, until it starts to wrap its arms around you and grip you tightly.
This evening has been quite nice S and I ordered Indian food and watch movies all evening. A non-thinking activity and also no need for communication so i think he enjoyed the silence and relaxed atmosphere.
I was looking forward to getting to bed at the end of it, keen for some sleep, but as like last night despite feeling tired I feel extremely restless I know it’ll be a while before sleep embraces me. In one of the movies that was a scene again very innocuous and hardly worth mentioning but it stuck in my mind and was trying to conjure a flashback that wouldn’t come but my body seemed to remember. This has left me feeling more unsettled.
In all it’s not been a bad day, the house has been enveloped in fog all day and it’s rained relentlessly, but at least I’ve got some time out with a fellow human being and it’s been a relaxing evening.
Tomorrow I really must try and get back to my own home.