Birthday

Well, so far my birthday hasn’t been that great. Exactly as I anticipated. Although I will say that I was delighted to receive some flowers and chocolate’s delivered by my ex-husband on behalf of our children. I did cry some tears over that. I thought it was extremely thoughtful of him and not necessary, but he made the effort and for that I am extremely grateful and touched. He has been really good for me the last few days very supportive exactly what I need at this time.

I came back from the school run and I was absolutely exhausted I hardly slept at all last night. I fell asleep and I awoke to my alarm and time to leave for my therapy appointment. I didn’t really want to go and was tempted to cancel; but decided that talking might do me some good. It’s a really safe place, the women’s centre, and easy drive too, so I didn’t feel too out of my comfort range. And in therapy I talked about the triggers that have been happening for me, my sadness, my dip in my mood, and that I’ve been staying at S’s which seemed to be helping me.

I also talked about about sorting out my hand appointment. My therapist gave me some dates that she could go with me which was really awesome. Unfortunately none of those dates were available, but I’ve taken a date because I really do need to get my hand sorted and I’ve arranged to see my therapist afterwards.

Going to the hospital for my hand should be an easy thing to do. But it all just seems to play on my anxiety and I don’t know how to cope. It’s not in my nature to ask for help, so I was really privileged and grateful when my therapist offered to go with me. I would do it for any friends in an instant but I don’t have it in me to ask for someone to come with me. But that’s okay I’m determined to get my hand sorted once and for all.

That wasn’t much time before I had to pick up the kids but I’ve gone home and tidied it up as best I can and then headed out for the kids. I then went for a brief meeting with my new case manager who is unfortunately a male. Immediately I have trust issues and I feel uncomfortable discussing anything related to my past. But I decided to address this with him straightaway and say that I was prepared to work at this relationship bearing in mind my history. He actually knew about the police officer that has the complaints against him because he knows people in the mental health sector in the UK, so that was a surprise, and as he referred to him as being a predator, really reminded me of how I was played, and really reminded me of how out of order he was and I had to again reconcile in my own head that I was a victim to a professional that crossed boundaries with similar histories and mental health issues. talking to the case manager wasn’t that easy for me and so I spoke very quickly so that by the time we finished meeting and I went back out to the children I sounded like I’d been running much to the children’s dismay.

We are now home. S will be late finishing again tonight. The kids have argued relentlessly on the way home and at home. So I’m back to feeling tired and drained. I’m glad I’m going to see my psychiatrist next week.

And interestingly the skin on my hands has flared up again so looks like I have the same problem as I had last time hopefully I can get treatment for a quickly before it continues to get more painful. It’s already cracking and bleeding in some places on my fingers. I wonder how much of it is caused by stress.

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