Down, down, down

My memory is so bad I will have a phone conversation with somebody and then completely forget the conversation afterwards. I’ve already lost a person’s bank details three times, and I made an appointment to see my case manager tomorrow, and I’ve completely forgotten already what time the appointment was.

 I just feel completely drained and I can’t think straight about anything. My panic levels are really high so I feel breathless very quickly and I have pain in my chest with the anxiety it’s  just taking over my body. I can’t get past the tiredness; after I dropped the kids off at school I came back and fell into the deepest sleep for a few hours. I see people moving and doing things and wonder how they have the energy to do anything at all. If I could crawl into bed and not get out for a few days, I would really appreciate that.

S has gone away again for tonight and I’ve set a few alarms on my phone to remember to pick up the children. I’m avoiding doing anything else, I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to risk seeing people I know, I don’t want to talk to anyone. I’m just the chauffeur for the children and I am kind of dreading this evening when they’re waiting for dinner and I have to find the energy to make the dinner, to tidy up afterwards, to deal with the fallouts or the negotiations until bedtime. This is the time  help would really be useful for me, some sort of practical support.

If I was in the UK my parents would have been useless. Because it happened on days there; I had really bad times and the feeling was very much put your head down and get on with it. The feeling of being a failure and being weak was reinforced. I don’t want to call any friends, they have a enough going on, and no one knows the routine. I would much rather pay for some help then I won’t feel as obligated to them, but how weird is that for somebody to come and deal with simple tasks when I just lie there staring glumly.

It’s going to take a lot of patience to deal with the children this afternoon, not to mention my ability to hide the sheer exhaustion. Although I’m sure they wonder what’s wrong with me some of the time. I’m not a normal mother, and I hate too that my children are exposed to my weaknesses.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I have therapy, S won’t be back until late, so it means another long day with the children and no back up.

I really need to sort out physiotherapy for my hand, but I can’t face the drive or the interaction at the hospital. Everything feels too hard.

If I feel like this tomorrow I’m not even sure ill make it therapy.


2 thoughts on “Down, down, down

  1. You sound so much like me. I have similar struggles. It’s hard for me to get out to the point where sometimes I can’t. I was lucky in the kids having the bus so I didn’t have to drop off and pick up. We’re homeschooling now, but only because I have some huge supports in place to help me.


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