Today

Last night was a really bad night, both the kids ended up in bed with me and with my sore hand I found it difficult to get comfortable. My head was also pounding with an unforgiving headache that’s lingered around for ages. I kept getting up to go to the loo and wishing day time would hurry up. I felt completely miserable when the morning came. My mood had plummeted and I was almost begging S to come and collect the kids even though it probably wasn’t the safest option for me to be left alone. I definitely didn’t want to go to the monthly group today, I literally just want to lie in bed and wish my life away.

It was a stifling hot day over my way, the kids were great as usual, but I felt completely miserable and useless. I felt like a burden to S for knowing how much I’m struggling, I felt like the world’s worst mother, and I felt completely alone in my torment. The nightmares are regular, the panic attacks have become almost debilitating, and I’ve even had flashbacks that leave me confused and afraid. With no end in sight, and feeling that I will never be free of medication, I can honestly say that suicide has felt like the only option for me. At least S wouldn’t have to put up with my miserable messages and my inability to make decisions about the children. I feel like I’m grieving all over again for the break up of my marriage and as such I feel lonely and I feel bad that I’m still relying on S to help me through these difficult times. But he is the only one that knows the truth about me and how I struggle this time of year.

Eventually I decided that I would drive the kids back. I thought it might give me time to clear my head and at least keep me occupied for a while. When I arrived back at the house it was spotless and smelt really clean, and all my children were together, honestly I didn’t want to leave. S had bought lots of meat to cook and I haven’t had a good home cooked meal for so long, it was really nice to eat with the whole family and to feel more normal again. It is very confusing for me because I know that I shouldn’t allow myself to indulge in family time as though it’s normal, but at the same time it’s what I have needed at the moment. The normality of the family, and the care of another adult. Again, I chastise myself because I know that I shouldn’t rely on S like this.

Because I have decided to spend the night on my good old mattress on the floor, I will be taking the children to school and doing the school run. The very same thing I complained about last week. But I feel like I need something to keep me busy, And I suppose it is good to feel needed and not taken advantage of because at the moment it is S doing me a favour.

I know it’s all seems very confusing and messy and infuriating. But I can only take each day as it comes, and unfortunately this inevitably means daily changes, to meet my ever challenging mood swings.

At this exact moment, I feel well fed, I don’t feel alone, and I’m grateful to be surrounded by my children. Obviously I miss the peace and serenity of my home, but I literally don’t feel that I can be alone at the moment.

My brain is constantly throwing anxiety my way, and I know that I’m not thinking straight. I thought I was better, I was wrong. I am at the mercy of this mental illness. And it feels like everyone is victim to my depression, especially my family, which I hate myself for.

My birthday is next week so I really hope that once that passes things will start to die down again, and I have a bit more control.

Everything seems so overwhelming so out of my control, it’s hard to imagine feeling on top of this again. Like maybe I am bound to feel tortured forever.

One day at a time, that is all I can do.

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