Downwards again 

Over the last week, I felt that my mood has been more stable and ive grown tired of the side-effects of feeling hungry all the time and my metabolism slowing down. So I was slowly decreasing the antipsychotic, hoping that I could start to feel a bit better about myself as energy levels returned and my hunger was under control so I can actually start to lose weight again.

The travel between two houses has been adding to my tiredness, and I mentioned to S that it wasn’t viable to keep commuting every week, and I was finding it unsettling to be flitting between two properties.

In all the last couple of weeks have been about trying to regain some balance and some control. What I failed to recognise was that by simply decreasing my meds, I was spiralling again. It’s easy to ignore and easy to put down to other reasons. Of all else, I just want to be normal. I think today was the final thunderclap that made me realise that I am not well. 

What I have also ignored is that it is that time of year again of the anniversary. I made some reference to it a few blogs ago but I guess I have just wanted to ignore that fact.

Last night I had nightmares all night, today I woke feeling tired and drained. S was coming over to sort out two single beds in the spare room, changing from the double bed I have in there at the moment. It’s been a lovely hot day here, and the markets have been going on which takes place twice a year and brings a large crowd. I was suddenly reminded of happier times when we used to holiday here and go to the markets as a family. Feeling tired, feeling triggered, lost in memories of years ago I could feel tears brewing. I could feel a real emptiness, I could feel myself being hounded by triggers, and most of all the greatest feeling of loneliness.

S arrived much later with the children, apparently they had been to some orchid, they’d had lots of fresh fruit and ice cream and by all intents and purposes had a wonderful day. This only served to add to my own loneliness and the reminder but I am no longer part of a family unit. And I must admit I was jealous that S hadn’t thought to invite me along. He got on with the beds while the children played in my garden. When he finished he briefly bid me goodbye, I suppose I just disappointed that we did not have dinner together. That said of course I never even suggested it. 

I have Harry and egg here, My selfish need to have company. But not much longer after S had left the tears came and everything seemed to fall apart. I cried and I panicked and I had to reach for diazepam. The kids would briefly come and see me while they played in the garden and I had to hide my tears from them which wasn’t always possible and I know I made them feel alarmed, which of course added to my feeling like the world’s worst mother. I did text S and ask him if he was being particularly cold towards me for any reason. He replied that instead he felt that I have been really unappreciative towards him. I admitted that I had begun reducing my meds and perhaps I was no longer thinking rationally. I began to sob. Big wracking sobs with no control. I told him I thought I was falling apart. He told me, that reducing my medication at this time of year was not a very good idea. He reminded me that this was just part of my mood and not me. But it’s hard to see that, I’m feeling like I will always be like this, it’s all I know. The medication allows for a plateau and which aside from feeling tired I don’t feel much else. But nothing is as worse as feeling as bad as I do right now. If I was alone right now I don’t think it would be safe, I have to say this break has made me feel a little bit suicidal to be honest, it’s the disappointment and the grief and the loss of hope that I will ever feel happy again. But my two youngest are here and so I’ll do my best to look after them. S had suggested I go for a walk with them as it was such a lovely day but because it’s so busy with the markets I don’t want to be in amongst crowds of people. To be honest I just want to stay in bed.

I’m fed up of triggers, of nightmares, of sadness, of loneliness and lack of hope. I think I’m going mad. I’m so happy with my house which S tried to remind me of, but it feels like a further reinforcement of a life alone. A lost life. 

Will I ever be truly happy?

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