Things have been much better for me since I have finally found a little, perfect home for myself. I have personalised the space way out of budget but who cares? I finally wanted somewhere to fill and represent who I am and what I care about most.
I am still driving over the mountain range to look after the children when S is away. He is currently away again for two nights so I am staying at his house. It’s easy to regard this as being his house, few remnants remain of my attempt to make this a homely place, of course S is less concerned with decor so the place remains to me; bare. For me it is another house where at my children reside. If you had told me that I would feel so emotionally unvested in this house a year ago I would never have believed you. I had such an emotional attachment to this house I thought would never go, indeed time does heal some wounds.
Even my relationship with with S seems civil and less strained. A friendship seems to be forming and the bitterness is draining away. I do miss affection and I miss being loved, I realise now I never appreciated how much S loved to me, it was a pure and intense love for me. Perhaps I also realise no one can love that hard for that long. Especially S, I don’t blame him for not loving me any more, I have stopped searching his eyes for any kindling of affection for me, I anticipate his angry moments, and I anticipate when he needs his space from me. His love for me died along time ago, and I have finally excepted and grieved for that loss. I think more about the future and in the future S and I have retained a good solid friendship. I wonder if anyone will love me with the intensity that S once did. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t, after so many years with so much drama and having our four children there is no connection that could come close to the connection and history that S and I will always share.
I feel that I am growing with each day, I would love to be able to start reducing my medication. I feel that I am being kept at a plateau, so I actually feel less because my brain is been chemically maintained.
There is a deep sadness that resides in my soul. An accumulation of what has happened to me, of where I am now, of insecurity and self-doubt, of illness and lethargy. Earlier I was watching something random on the television and I suddenly felt my breathing become shallow. There was nothing on television that triggered me but something within me seemed to give way, my heart began to beat faster and I knew I was struggling to retain control. I tried to think of my home, I tried to cuddle up with my boy, but my breathing would give away to my children that I wasn’t feeling right and I didn’t want to alarm them, so I got up and busied myself, there is always plenty to be done at S’s house.
I don’t know what caused that moment of involuntary panic, but in a way my body is telling me that I’m not healed, that there is a long way to go, but I’m comfortable to start feeling things. I have therapy tomorrow so I will mention this, and as before I will let any emotions flow as I need to. Talking is very healing for me.
S is back tomorrow so at least I can return to my home for some time out and to hopefully walkaround my little village. I need to start making some roots and hopefully making some new friends.
I have no idea how any day is going to be for me, if I may wake up in a panicky mood, if I may be tearful for the day, hopefully I won’t feel suicidal. I may be extra tired like today, or I may just feel at rest and content in the moment. And that’s all I can hope for.