Following my bad night and migraine for a second day running I was tempted to spend the night but at S’s house. He even suggested that, on the basis that he would be able to go early the following day. I got in my car in the evening when he got home from work with my migraine finally tapering off and then my landlord rang; he was talking about a problem I had with the hot water which he had solved but then went on to say that he wasn’t going to change the alarm code to the house. This of course affected my fear of returning tenants who know the code for the alarm. He didn’t seem to care about my concerns and the conversation left me wary and created a pathway for my migraine to return. I did go back into S’s house as I was only down the road. After spending a few hours watching the kids learn maths through various games which I really enjoyed it I decided again to leave when they went to bed.
I have told S that I want to Harry and Egg to move in with me when his trips to Hamilton have finished. I miss them too much and I want to be able to walk them to school and walk back from school at the end of the day and enjoy dinner with them on a daily basis not just at S’s house when S requires my services or weekends.
I have also realised why I am even more emotional and jumpy than usual of course it’s the anniversary. Just like every year I struggle with the idea of looking up the date. The exact date of the rape. This year I’ve decided not to do that, I think with this move and everything else going on it will be too emotional to know the date whether it’s past or not. Fortunately I have therapy tomorrow so I can discuss my fears and concerns with my counsellor. I did raise the issue with S earlier alone but to be frank he didn’t really care. Why should he care? I guess as we have been so civil recently I hoped he might offer some support instead he seemed disinterested and had no insight to offer. It’s a very lonely time as it’s not something I can discuss with friends and S is the only one that knows all the details and yet he is no longer concerned with my emotional well-being. I don’t hate him for that and I’m not angry about it, he was really helpful during the move in the practical sense, and for that I am grateful. I’m glad I’ve returned to my home, as time alone is important as opposed to being in the company of someone that knows you are sad and yet doesn’t acknowledge it.
The drive back to my home is over a mountain range The Rimutakas and for years it was tight bend and hair pin turns with no safety rails. After extensive work there are more straight lines and there are barriers all the way along. As I drove I thought about the cars that have gone over the edge over the years and have laid at the bottom lost and forgotten about until some hapless hiker comes across the mangled remains or some logging truck sees the lonely corpse of a missing loved one. I thought briefly how freeing it must be if you decided to drive over the edge of your own accord; how very Thelma and Louise esk! Would the people know it was an accident? Would they know you sought the peace that lay at the bottom of the mountain? The end of time? The end of pain and worry? Or would the assumption always be driver error and you would be regarded as a victim of the road?
It’s not that I’m feeling suicidal rather just very melancholy because of the sadness and emptiness I feel at this time of year. To be fair so much has happened over the last couple of years and here I am, my third rental within two years after losing my family home in my marriage break up another shock I didn’t expect. And now my past is upon me again in the form of a date.
I’m tired, but I still am holding out hope, I have my home and hopefully soon I will have my children with me.