I finally arrived back down to my house when S arrived from his business trip. I’ve walked into the sound of my neighbours playing a live music band where it’s just so loud it’s making my whole house vibrate it’s just typical. S and I got into another argument when he got back because one of my interviews coincides with meetings he’s got planned in other parts of the country and as usual I’m left with all the kids organising what I’m going to do because obviously his job is far more important than mine and his income is far more important than my potential income. I’m trying to say that without bitterness but it’s hard when you’ve been spoken down to like a piece of crap for the last half hour. My hand hurts so much from this week I’ll be so glad for my hospital appointment on the Monday. My interview for a really good opportunity occurs after the hospital appointment and in between all of that I’ll need to collect the kids.
I don’t expect S to care for me like he used to because obviously we’re not together any more but I’ve managed all week on my own with a painful broken hand driving the children around taking Harry back to the doctor for his chest infection going to an interview going to a preliminary interview and managing the house and all that goes with that. There is no expression of gratitude just a warning that he must leave very early on the Monday morning the assumption being that I’ll just take over when he leaves off.
The big move next week is as after the hospital appointment and more and more appointments and dealing with the kids are alone. S seems to forget that moving house is one the most stressful things you can do so I’m trying to organise things as best I can. I’ve packed so many boxes my house is just a shambles, it’s messy, disjointed, essentially is not a home any more. I know it hasn’t felt like a home for a long time because of my neighbours but seeing it in this physical display of dissaray definitely reinforces I’m currently without an abode.and I certainly don’t feel welcome at S’s when he gets back from work.
I took a brief moment today just to sit quietly and work out how I’m feeling because my therapist has pushed the importance of knowing how I’m feeling deep down rather than pushing things away and trying to pretend. Scarily I realise I found absolutely nothing at all, no sadness, no joy, no excitement, no happiness, no purpose. There is just a numbness and an emptiness and I’m not sure what’s the worst feeling; The overwhelming sadness or the sense of feeling inhuman. Of a empty void.
Somehow my survival mode has kicked in and I’m doing everything on autopilot every appointment I make every drive I do everything I do is completely on autopilot in fact most of the day I don’t remember conversations I have had, places I’ve been, what I’ve done with things. I don’t like feeling like this but clearly at the moment this is the only way I can be to get anything done. It is so bad that my memory is affected so I can say one thing and then completely forget what I said which makes communication with my children particularly difficult and as for the interviews I darent think what they must think of me.
So here I am in this empty void with so many different stressful factors going on putting on weight by the second because of this medication thats keeping me from sticking my head in the microwave and it is making me big enough to look like I swallowed the microwave. It’s hard to believe anybody else in the world can have these feelings I have.
I don’t know if I get to a stage and break or if I carry on this way or if I start to feel more particularly when I’ve moved house. All I know is I don’t feel well and I don’t know who I am anymore.