Change?

Some strange things have happened since I mentioned how much bad luck I’ve been having at the start of the year what with a broken hand, looking at a fairly scungey apartment and not being able to find any work.

Most people would take this change in circumstances and see it as a positive thing where as I’m now even more full of self-doubt because I wonder if there’s  going to be a downfall from having some good luck!

So what’s been happening that’s given me this profound sense of undeserving luck?

Well firstly there was a property that I had enquired about in a beautiful village where we used to own a property and that I love very much.  I spoke with the homeowner at length on the phone about his current tenants and he wasn’t sure when they’re going to be moving out so he said he would speak to them and get back to me. He did get back to me and told me that the tenants have decided to stay so the property was no longer available to rent. This was another one of the reasons I decided to opt for the apartment because on the rare chance I see a property  I like I end up missing out either because I’m simply not chosen or other circumstances out of my control.

A few days ago he called me to tell me that the tenants have changed their minds again and were going to move out. He said because of my previous interest he would give me first refusal. I had already put down the deposit on the apartment but this house has a real draw for me so I said I was definitely interested and went about the application process.

Probably an hour later I received another call I missed it and it went to voicemail it was somebody saying he’d seen my CV on a job site and wanted to speak to me about this position he thought I was suitable for.  While I was on the phone to him call waiting was going and unbelievably I had a message from a company which I applied for a job with a few months ago and they were calling to organise a time to interview with me.

All this came off the back of me  saying to S that I was going to give up househunting and jobhunting for a while as the rejection was just getting too much for me.

I received confirmation that I was accepted for the house. It’s a small cottage in this lovely wine region in New Zealand and I’m really looking forward to moving in; unbelievably again the start time is the exact same time as the end date of my tenancy here.

Today I met the recruitment consultant that headhunted me for a role and he is going to put me forward for that so I will interview again next week sometime. I’m having an interview tomorrow with the guy of the company directly for the job that I’ve applied for a few months ago.

Unfortunately in terms of self confidence I am actually feeling really low because of these medications I’m taking I’ve  put on so much weight and I feel really uncomfortable in my suit and I’m conscious that people will be looking at me thinking that I’m just this fat frumpy old woman. I feel behind my game and that I will really have to work hard to try to impress people to get them to see pass my fatness.

I have heard from the hospital and next week I have an appointment with the plastics departments because apparently they’re the only ones that can help with the strange bone of mine broken in my hand.

So I’m joining the realms of the normal people with the house waiting for me next weekend and jobs lined up that I have stopped applying for a long time ago. It’s really tiring returning back to this facade of the person that i  used to be but I don’t really know who I am anymore. Because of feeling so self-conscious because of all the medications I take because I am under the care of the community mental health team because I’m not really normal and yet I’m facing these people and getting on.

I have to say each day is exhausting and I’m almost waiting for something horrible to happen to me to make up for the good things that are happening I’m not sure if that’s the way I think or if it’s the illness making me feel this way. I do believe that what is meant to be will be. So if one of these jobs comes through then perhaps I really am ready to join full time employment and it certainly would be good to have my financial independence and have some semblance of normal adult life.

Of course there is some excitement about these new prospects don’t get me wrong but I’m still not in a place right now where I can really feel fully excited without the sense of impending doom.

It’s interesting that I’ve lost my sense of self. I don’t know if that’s a combination of the separation, of having a mental illness, of going through different things in my life or if it’s just the time in my life where this happens where I undergo some sort of mental change in a later stage in my life.

Whatever it is I hope that I will really start to feel comfortable again in my own skin and get to know who I am again and get to know what I like and start to live without this fear on the back of my shoulders all the time and without the internal painful monologue I torture myself with on a daily basis.

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3 thoughts on “Change?

  1. You’re getting into your dream house. You have interviews. I’d say the pendulum is finally swinging in your favor. Enjoy it. You deserve to have things fall into place for you and this is just the beginning.
    Don’t let self-doubt and fear hinder your new beginning. I know it’s scary. It’s sort of like being in a prison…waiting for freedom every single day and when it finally comes, panic sets in. You have never known anything but confinement.
    You can see that freedom on the horizon. It’s time to spread your wings and soar!

    Like

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