I’m up at my ex husbands house. It’s finally a hot summer’s day. I’m sunbathing and pretending I don’t have a care in the world.

I’ve come to this house because my neighbours are so loud, drink and shout all day so I can’t enjoy opening the windows or sitting in the garden. Even with fans it’s stifling. 

I’ve started packing boxes. Some will be left at S’s house in storage until that magic day when I find the perfect house. Some is marked to move into the flat. Some stuff I’m selling and some is going to charity. It seems collecting the odd token item to make my home my place – has become a keep or lose item. I’m not miserable. I think my mind is busy thinking about all that needs to be done. I’m not sad about the house anymore, last night my neighbours had a live music party – can’t ask for a more timely reminder than that,  I’m doing the right thing.

Just a shame I broke my hand at the worst time!

My ex will be spending 3 days of the week in another city, so I’ll be divided between places. I don’t mind this at all. It means I get the benefits of a house and garden but my own space for relaxing. 

This is how I must see things now. A positive note, not a lost family home and a little flat.

I’ve also asked the community mental health team for a new case manager. My psychiatrist is great but the case manager and i don’t really gel. She’s incredibly efficient at her job. Sorting out meds and admin. But she has the compassion of a goldfish! I’d like someone with more warmth and empathy. This is exactly how I worded my needs and thoughts to the Line Manager. I think it’s important to be honest and in this industry you have to be your own advocate. I guess we’ll see what becomes of it all.

I’m still feeling lethargic and unmotivated. My ex isn’t particularly empathetic to my mood or the medicatioms that I’m on, but I suppose he feels it’s nothing to do with him now. And as long as I’m looking after the kids, it’s not his problem.

The kids have started back at school. I’m so proud of all of them. This is H’s new start at schoool! They’re settling so well.

I think my low may MAY be starting to break. I feel flat, I feel no sense of purpose, but I don’t dream about my death ending prematurely.

My anxiety is sky high though with an imminent move. I often feel my breathing spiral out of control and I’m so easily triggered. It’s really an awful way to feel but I can only hope it settles once I’ve moved.

I’ve also remembered in amongst all of the other stuf I forgot my depo injection. So I’ll probably have a monthly cycle. Which is another unfortunate trigger. I’ll have to wait a couple of weeks for an appointment.

Back to sunbathing now and pretending I’m just a normal person in a normal life.


2 thoughts on “Sun

  1. I’m glad you are able to relax and enjoy the sun. I did the same yesterday and got out for a 5km walk around Ascot Park. I’m going to physio in Upper Hutt at the moment but need spinal xrays now which or course I haven’t really got the time or money for. I hope you have a nice day.


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