Slick with mud

Today I woke after a horrific nightmare again. But I got up as expected and took the kids to school.

I haven’t referred to good friends of mine that have sent me their unconditional support throughout my trials and tribulationa and I would like to take a moment to say how much I appreciate my good friends and also the comments I get on my blog they all mean an awful lot to me because it does take time to sit and write a message and I know that if people with me right now they would do things for me and are not just paying lip service.

If the hospital wasn’t something out of a nightmarish Tim Burton  or resembling something from ‘One Flew Over  The  Cuckoos Nest’ I would definitely commit myself voluntarily to the hospital. However I fear that its dreadful representation will only add to my anxiety and not give me the end result that I need.

I know some people with some of the darkest depression tend to wallow in their depression and that’s always irritated me.  Like why haven’t you done anything to get over this depression that you’re in. For me I feel that I am actually trying to do my best; I’m still taking the kids to school and picking them up taking them to their appointments and also trying to do things that i  usually enjoy such as reading, writing, sitting in the sun, responding to messages.

Indeed my greatest attempts just seem to fail and of thus I wonder if I really am deemed  to fail this way for eternity.

How I’m  coping at the moment is by taking steps and setting goals. For example this weekend I intend to pack in boxes the things I want to keep when I’m on my new apartment.

Earlier I went through all of the various service providers i use such as electricity and Internet to make sure they were suspended until I move into my new apartment.

I’ve also asked S to help me with the logistics of moving items either into storage at his house or selling whatever suits.

So on the outside I’m functioning I’m getting my kids I’m talking to them I’m doing all the things that need to be done but it’s mainly robotic there is no feeling there is no joy. My hand is extremely painful as well which doesn’t help the situation.

I would be so interested to read the blog entry that I make of this time next year considering I have definitely hit rock bottom at this stage.


2 thoughts on “Slick with mud

  1. It is good reading that you have contemplated hospital but yes, maybe it is not an option for you. Even though the day to day tasks that you are performing seem robotic, they are still HUGE accomplishments for a person in your situation. It is really good you are still functioning so give yourself credit!!
    The joy will come back Penny. It will. This, what you are in right now, is NOT your life. It is NOT you. It is a struggle which can be overcome.


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