I feel like I am merely existing. I’m not living a life that I find enjoyable and I have no way of knowing how to change what’s going on for me.

As my tenancy runs out on February 18 I have been unable to secure a new rental property. Therefore I have made inquiries at the local YMCA. This will mean a private room in amongst hundreds of other people that have either been unable to rent because of credit history or criminal backgrounds as that tends to be the clientele in the YMCA is in this country.  I’m neither ashamed nor concerned about this decision because ultimately all I want is a bed so I can sleep the days away.
It’s amazing that my entire life revolves around taking medication and hospital appointments for my arm and staying in a huge youth hostel.  

I had been married to a good man living in a house that really was my dream house my how things change in the very short space of time.

I woke up again this morning to a horrific nightmare involving being attacked and tortured and I was victim and there was nothing I could do about it. So I’ve been feeling short of breath and anxious all day.

If it weren’t  for my beautiful son I’m not sure I’ll be able to carry on the days as I am at the moment.

I would love to snap out of it. I would love to find joy in the smallest of things I would love to feel confident again I would love to enjoy life as opposed to looking forward to getting into bed just so I can sleep and not have to see anybody deal with anybody or think any more I can just shut down.

Every time I have gotten in a low i worry that I will never get better again and this time is no different only this time I really do think I’m not going to get over it.

My days are spent crying or wishing things could be different or trying to find a way to make myself feel better nothing works.

I am so lost in an abyss of pain of numbness of darkness of never ending sadness.

How can I ever expects to get out of this one or belief is gone?


3 thoughts on “Depression

  1. So sorry penny. So sorry it has come to this with the accommodation. I am thinking of you always and wishing you the best with everything. Things will get better. You will get better. xxx


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