I think often about killing myself. Sometimes I imagine a sharp turn of the steering into a fast oncoming truck. Suicide by medication doesn’t work for me I’ve tried it before a couple of times and I always live. I’ve heard that’s hanging can be a peaceful death as you lose consciousness if you do it the right way as the cortisol muscles are squeezed and you quickly lose consciousness.
The only thing that stops me from trying to kill myself is my beautiful children and in particular my son. Imagine the legacy that he would be left with knowing his own mother took his life by her own hand certainly not a noble death. I often daydream about being in a car accident that isn’t my fault or being diagnosed with an illness that terminates my life quickly. Therefore I get my ultimate wish to die but at least it can be noble and there are no reasons to be confused or guilty.
My life has no purpose and I doubt my friends are really bothered which is an awful thing to say but because I’m generally known as being happy and fun I suspect most people to expect me that way. Certainly my ex-husband has a mere obligation to me and nothing more than that. So it becomes my children and what I can do to make their life better and ending my life would ruin their lives.
So my life bumbles from day to day and I have a need to have some sort of illness or accident that ends my life properly and ends this horrible ongoing pain that I feel.