MusingsĀ 

Things have been much better for me since I have finally found a little, perfect home for myself. I have personalised the space way out of budget but who cares? I finally wanted somewhere to fill and represent who I am and what I care about most.

I am still driving over the mountain range to look after the children when S is away. He is currently away again for two nights so I am staying at his house. It’s easy to regard this as being his house, few remnants remain of my attempt to make this a homely place, of course S is less concerned with decor so the place remains to me; bare. For me it is another house where at my children reside. If you had told me that I would feel so emotionally unvested in this house a year ago I would never have believed you. I had such an emotional attachment to this house I thought would never go, indeed time does heal some wounds.

Even my relationship with with S seems civil and less strained. A friendship seems to be forming and the bitterness is draining away. I do miss affection and I miss being loved, I realise now I never appreciated how much S loved to me, it was a pure and intense love for me. Perhaps I also realise no one can love that hard for that long. Especially S, I don’t blame him for not loving me any more, I have stopped searching his eyes for any kindling of affection for me, I anticipate his angry moments, and I anticipate when he needs his space from me. His love for me died along time ago, and I have finally excepted and grieved for that loss. I think more about the future and in the future S and I have retained a good solid friendship. I wonder if anyone will love me with the intensity that S once did. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t, after so many years with so much drama and having our four children there is no connection that could come close to the connection and history that S and I will always share.

I feel that I am growing with each day, I would love to be able to start reducing my medication. I feel that I am being kept at a plateau, so I actually feel less because my brain is been chemically maintained.

There is a deep sadness that resides in my soul. An accumulation of what has happened to me, of where I am now, of insecurity and self-doubt, of illness and lethargy. Earlier I was watching something random on the television and I suddenly felt my breathing become shallow. There was nothing on television that triggered me but something within me seemed to give way, my heart began to beat faster and I knew I was struggling to retain control. I tried to think of my home, I tried to cuddle up with my boy, but my breathing would give away to my children that I wasn’t feeling right and I didn’t want to alarm them, so I got up and busied myself, there is always plenty to be done at S’s house.

I don’t know what caused that moment of involuntary panic, but in a way my body is telling me that I’m not healed, that there is a long way to go, but I’m comfortable to start feeling things. I have therapy tomorrow so I will mention this, and as before I will let any emotions flow as I need to. Talking is very healing for me.

S is back tomorrow so at least I can return to my home for some time out and to hopefully walkaround my little village. I need to start making some roots and hopefully making some new friends.

I have no idea how any day is going to be for me, if I may wake up in a panicky mood, if I may be tearful for the day, hopefully I won’t feel suicidal. I may be extra tired like today, or I may just feel at rest and content in the moment. And that’s all I can hope for.

Therapy and sun!

Today I had my first therapy session for a long time. There was much to catch up on including my move, my witness testimony following the date where the sister was murdered, and the updates of the case against the police officer in the UK. I also told my therapist about my bad night in my new house, and the recognition of the time of year. Suffice to say she was pretty surprised by how much has happened but of course she knows me well enough to know that there’s always plenty going on at any one time.

It was relaxing to verbalise the occurances over the last few weeks including talking about how happy I am with my new home and I showed her some pictures. Although the session was draining and I found talking about the time of year difficult;  ultimately it did feel good having someone to talk to. I think it was only yesterday that I said I missed having someone to talk to that would listen and validate my feelings.

Fortunately last night I had a really good sleep, although I awoke with a migraine pressing still, I loved the blue skies and the peace of my home, and I even felt sad that I have to leave my home to head back to S’s house for the children as he is away again.  Not sad to see the children of course I miss them bitterly whenever I drive away but sad to leave my new town and my new home.


This morning šŸ˜Š

The afternoon has been a lot of fun though; the kids and I were in the paddling pool most of the afternoon as the weather has been so hot today even my eldest came out to play in the pool which is very unusual.


J made dinner for us tonight, I really enjoyed my small portion of half cooked noodles, baked beans cold, and a spoonful of white rice! She even brought it outside on the tray for me! My children are just awesome and a real blessing. It’s important to remember times like this when I’m struggling with my past. It’s too easy to wallow in the pain when I am away from my children. I’m really looking forward to the weekend when they can be at my house. I also need to make more of an effort to take walks around town that I know; i  need to familiarise myself again and find my confidence, not to mention the fitness benefits.

Getting back to a weekly therapy session will be really helpful for me, it’s so important to be able to articulate feelings, thoughts and concerns with someone that supports me and listens without judgement. As a single woman  it is easy to forget that I do have a voice and I do need to be heard. Although of course this blog is extremely carthrtic. My energy goes into the children and anything left for me feels like grief currently contained and pushed down.

I’m feeling nicely tired from a full day and is plenty of fun in the sun this afternoon; I hope for another good night sleep and it is nice to finally miss a place that I can call home.

Over the hill

Following my bad night and migraine for a second day running I was tempted to spend the night but at S’s house. He even suggested that, on the basis that he would be able to go  early the following day. I got in my car in the evening when he got home from work with my migraine finally tapering off and then my landlord rang; he was talking about a problem I had with the hot water which he had solved but then went on to say that he wasn’t going to change the alarm code to the house. This of course affected my fear of returning tenants who know the code for the alarm. He didn’t seem to care about my concerns and the conversation left me wary and created a pathway for my migraine to return. I did go back into S’s house as I was only down the road. After spending a few hours watching the kids learn maths through various games which I really enjoyed it I decided again to leave when they went to bed. 

I have told S that I want to Harry and Egg to move in with me when his trips to Hamilton have finished. I miss them too much and I want to be able to walk them to school and walk back from school at the end of the day and enjoy dinner with them on a daily basis not just at S’s house when S requires my services or weekends.

I have also realised why I am even more emotional and jumpy than usual of course it’s the anniversary. Just like every year I struggle with the idea of looking up the date. The exact date of the rape. This year I’ve decided not to do that, I think with this move and everything else going on it will be too emotional to know the date whether it’s past or not. Fortunately I have therapy tomorrow so I can discuss my fears and concerns with my counsellor. I did raise the issue with S earlier alone but to be frank he didn’t really care. Why should he care? I guess as we have been so civil recently I hoped he might offer some support instead he seemed disinterested and had no insight to offer. It’s a very lonely time as it’s not something I can discuss with friends and S is the only one that knows all the details and yet he is no longer concerned with my emotional well-being. I don’t hate him for that and I’m not angry about it, he was really helpful during the move in the practical sense, and for that I am grateful. I’m glad I’ve returned to my home, as time alone is important as opposed to being in the company of someone that knows you are sad and yet doesn’t acknowledge it.

The drive back to my home is over a mountain range The Rimutakas  and for years it was tight bend and hair pin turns with no safety rails. After extensive work there are more straight lines and there are barriers all the way along. As I drove I thought about the cars that have gone over the edge over the years and have laid at the bottom lost and forgotten about until some hapless hiker comes across the mangled remains or some logging truck sees the lonely corpse of a missing loved one. I thought briefly how freeing it must be if you decided to drive over the edge of your own accord; how very Thelma and Louise esk! Would the people know it was an accident? Would they know you sought the peace that lay at the bottom of the mountain? The end of time? The end of pain and worry? Or would the assumption always be driver error and you would be regarded as a victim of the road?

It’s not that I’m feeling suicidal rather just very melancholy because of the sadness and emptiness I feel at this time of year. To be fair so much has happened over the last couple of years and here I am, my third rental within two years after losing my family home in my marriage break up another shock I didn’t expect. And now my past is upon me again in the form of a date.

I’m tired, but I still am holding out hope, I have my home and hopefully soon I will have my children with me.

First night fears

My first night was far worse than I could ever have anticipated. I was convinced somebody was outside the house so I closed all the windows even though it was a warm night. I grabbed my golf club and started wondering around the house; I couldn’t find the lights for outside and I didn’t want to put the lights on inside in case whomever was there would see me. I played in my head every possible scenario. Handing over car keys and wallet, a Violent scenario where I would have to fight and also maintain my grip on the golf club. Every time I started to doze off with exhaustion I’d wake myself up to listen hard again; the golf club stayed in my bed with my hands gripped around it.

This morning my hand hurts, I have a migraine, and my jaw aches where presumably I was grinding my teeth when I did sleep. I really needed a good night sleep and as I said I anticipated a rough first night but probably not as bad as that! I literally can’t remember feeling that  terrified for a long time. Although I am feeling in pain this morning and still shaken it is wonderful to wake up in this beautiful place and walk around my beautiful new home. I just hope tonight will be much more calm and enjoyable!

Unpacking! First night

Last night I slept on S’s couch as I had no gas bottles for my house and I didn’t get time for shopping. Sleeping on the sofa brought a variety of different nightmares; I always expect nightmares when I’m Sleeping in a different place but I didn’t know it would be that bad. Probably drinking those two bottles of wine didn’t help but it felt so nice to unwind after loading the truck all day. Today has been about hanging pictures which I enjoy doing and also unpacking boxes and putting things away which I enjoy significantly less. I’m at that stage where it looks messy but I’ve been working all day. I’m going to have a bath as luckily I have one here and then I’m going for an early night. I suspect I’ll have nightmares here but I did do a blessing for the house with burning sage and a bell and I bought a beautiful dream catcher. All else fails I also have a golf club under my bed!


My New home is a contrast to my old house as it is very bright and airy lots of windows and a beautiful French door opening onto a lovely deck which I can actually enjoy considering I don’t have horrible neighbours any more. I’m feeling really positive about this house although I’m sad about the distance between here and the house. But the children will stay at the weekend and eventually Harry may go to school here which would be perfect.

I’m actually feeling really lucky tonight lucky to have the opportunity to live in such a beautiful town in such a beautiful little home. For the last few months it’s really been treading water in a home where I don’t feel safe and where I haven’t been able to appreciate anything. That house was also considerably darker not just because I couldn’t open all the curtains but also with all the wood and I’ve always liked this modern contrast with cottage style  originality.

It is hard to explain to people that I do suffer with PTSD especially when moving into a new home. Learning the sounds of the house, learning where light switches are, learning how to unlock doors, hearing the different noises at night. Most people when they move house do  experience a similar reality but with PTSD the symptoms are emphasised and I feel even more hypervigilance.  By sheer luck I am the back property so there are no passing cars, and no one is likely to come onto my property plus I have the added bonus of a gate that I can close.

I introduced myself to the person in the front house and his name is Brian and he moved here because of noise in the town where he used to live. He seems a friendly elderly man and I will catch up for coffee with him in the near future.

As you can imagine my hand is hurting even more and S has told me that  I won’t be able to attend my next physiotherapy appointment because he has business away so I will have to pick up the children. It is a real shame but at least I was shown different exercises for my hands to gain strength and it’s certainly been tested these few days!

So, my first night in my lovely new home and I’ve had oil burners going all day so it smells deliciously of berries in every room. Add my earlier cleansing routine and I have to say I am feeling really clear minded and positive.

The houseĀ 

So tonight the camping is cancelled because the rain is so bad.

I just drove over to Martinborough  to see my new house which is significantly smaller than I imagined but nonetheless I will be very happy there.

The important thing is that it has a garden fully fenced so the kids can play quite happily. And my neighbour is a 70 year old man so I don’t have to worry about noise.

I am so tired from the events of yesterday. Add to the driving today in horrible conditions over the mountain range-it’s just draining. But S gets the truck this afternoon so he can start loading my stuff. The Internet is working at my new house already so that’s good, it’s a shame that I have so many appointments over this way next week so I will have limited time to unpack and make the home my own.

I wonder how my PTSD symptoms will react to the first few nights at my new house. I always find changes quite stressful, so I imagine that I will be quite jumpy and quite hyper vigilant.

It’s also very nice to be in a different area with such good memories but I can also focus really on my new life and not have the bad memories from my marriage separation. This is essentially a new start for me. It is scary, it is overwhelming, it is exciting, but most of all now is the right time for me.