I wanted to see my hairdresser in person today for not showing up to my appointment due to the whole mental crisis thing. Hairdressers get a rough time with no shows and I wanted to let her know I respected her. As it happened another client was a no show, so she did my hair right then! I felt so lucky. My hair has been neglected. During the appointment I felt so tired. I’d planned on staying in bed because of headache and tiredness. But I did needed to get a few bits so I forced myself out. I could have slept in the hairdressers though.
I got what else I needed and then came to my house. I’ve just found out I didn’t get the beautiful cottage I saw. I burst into tears. I’m so drained and house hunting is such a horrible process. Mooching around properties and then being weighed up against other applications. I wonder if I did or said something wrong? Was it me?
My depression is still very much making itself known. I think the increased medications are affecting me in that I’m more tired, but in terms of mood, I remain low.
I’m also raw from the therapy session, it’s unlike me to sob like that for so long. I feel so sad.
I need a house, I need a job. I’d love a holiday! But all I want to do is lie in bed. I’ve applied for so many jobs I’ve lost count, but none of them have gone anywhere – which again I feel reflects on me.
I feel so useless. So sad. And so alone. How can I possibly get through all of this?