I’m so tired writing this. But I’ve managed to drag myself to the office to get my medication. I hope I can sleep well tonight.
My last night in respite. I haven’t really used the facilities as well as I could, as I’ve been with the kids everyday. Yesterday I had to get up @ 6 and then S dropped the bombshell that he needed me to cover while he had dinner. So I didn’t get back to respite by 9.30pm. I feel really bad though, my time with the kids isn’t ‘quality’ – I’m not taking them out and I’m so tired and so desperate to hide the depth of my misery. I have let them down these school holidays.
Unbelievably after my meeting with the headhunter I had an interview today! I can’t believe I’m barely functioning on all cylinders but I went to an interview. I can’t assess how I went – my internal monologue was constantly berating me. I’m so fat, I look like shit, wore the wrong shoes, did I slur my words, am I losing concentration, do I look mad?! I’ll find out about that next week. Although I’m not hopeful. The only reason I need to have jobs in the pipeline is because my spousal maintenance stops in September so I have to be financially independent. It’s scary.
Plus I need to consider housing. It’s been hard to find anything remotely appropriate. But I’m viewing a place tomorrow. Meanwhile lots of people have been trawling through my house. I went back there yesterday and I feel so sad. I’d really turned it into a home, a really cute little space for me and the kids. I’ll miss it. I resent my neighbours for being so thoughtless and cruel.
Today, this afternoon I also saw my psychiatrist. I expressed concern that my mood wasn’t lifting as quickly as I liked and as a result she’s increased my olanzapine. And will consider another increase in a week. She said it’s supposed to help anxiety – but it’s not helping at all with that.
My days have been long and tiring looking after the kids. My nights I can retreat to the respite flat where I feel safe. And despite nightmares can sleep in peace.
Often at night I feel emotional and my brain panics with things I’ve forgotten, done wrong or need to do.
Tomorrow I have therapy. I’ll have to juggle therapy and the kids. But I need some time to articulate my nightmares and fears. Then I’m seeing the GP, my hand/arm is still excruciatingly painful. My little finger is still numb and cold to the touch, half my hand is numb, and I’m convinced its fractured somewhere. Painkillers don’t help.
Then I’m viewing a cute little cottage. With kids in tow.
I haven’t seen anyone I know and my communication hasn’t been great but I have received an outpouring of love and support which I didn’t anticipate. It’s easy to forget that anyone cares about me, especially as I have such a dim view of myself!
So I’m still very much a screwed up nutcase. I’m not sure what I’m running on, but I hope I don’t run out!