Nightmare 

Just woken up in the grip of a nightmare. My sheets are sodden with sweat. I knew I’d be jumpy tonight. I left the kitchen light on and the outside sensor light on. Every time it turned on i jumped to look out the window.

My arm/hand hurts a lot and my sheets are twisted so I must have been moving around a lot. I was initially disoriented when I woke up, luckily it’s light enough in here to see the things around me.

I quickly put my feet on the floor and said the names of the things in my room that I could see. 

By sheer coincidence one of the support workers came around to do observation. He seemed uncomfortable that I was jumpy so offered my PRN (diazepam), had it have been a woman I would have talked to her about it.

So now I’m lying back in bed feeling on edge and in pain (my hand). I can hear every noise, no matter how small and innocuous. My brain is playing out different scenarios and my body feels poised for action.

Diazapam has never really been that good of a drug for me – but it’s better than nothing.

It’s quite windy again tonight which doesn’t help. I hate it. I can’t decipher the noises easily and I’m conscious that someone might be moving in the shadows using the noise and movement to hide.

The dark is so smothering. My nightmares are so consuming.

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