Inside respite

My room at the respite place. Doesn’t get more basic! The smell of old tobacco has imprinted into the rooms, curtains and upholstery. 

It’s actually considered a ‘flat’ here, even I get confused with the definitions of buildings. But there’s no one else in this particular flat, there are many others but they have people in them. I’m glad I’m not sharing. 

I am finding it really comforting to have this space, even though initially I was upset by how bad it was. I keep my window open at night so I can feel the breeze, a luxury I don’t get to enjoy at my house. I actually feel very safe here. I’m next to the office, there’s a landline (although I have my cell but if for any reason I had no charge) and of course they do regular obs. That is, coming around every hour or so to check on me. Even at night, I leave my bedroom door adjar. That should technically trigger me, but i appreciate the obs. Makes me feel less alone. That if I wake in distress someone will likely be around at some point. I know I wouldn’t have coped alone at home by now. Yesterday S got home really late from work, when I left I had a fleeting desire to buy a bottle of wine to relax with. But alcohol is banned from this place and I didn’t feel the need going into this place. But I probably would have got some had I been returning to my house.

People were being shown around my house today. My lease is coming to an end now and though I feel anxious about becoming technically homeless in 21 days, I’d feel worse about living the rest of my lease there. I miss the things in my home, I have made it so nice, but I don’t miss the constant stress.

My arm/hand still hurts terribly from when I fell over on that night although the hospital said it’s not broken, I’m not convinced so I’ve arranged to see my GP on Tuesday. That’s a good week after the injury so hopefully with swelling going down it will be easier too see the injuries. I still have no feeling in my ring and little finger and pain in my hand, wrist and forearm. I bought a support thing from the chemist which helps but it’s hard to know if it’s a good thing or if I’m inadvertently making it worse. The dr can advise.

I feel miserable today. Tired, headachy. I feel like no one really understands me. I had nightmares last night and spent some of the night reading. I needed a distraction. The weather is grey and drab. I have a feeling of anxiety – what will happen after respite? How will I cope? Will I find a new place? Life feels a bit lost and overwhelming.

I’m just trying to stay in the moment.

I feel a constant sadness yet emptiness. Also my irritability levels have risen, yet I’m too tired to get overly angry.

My spark has gone. And my hope is dull. My body feels sluggish. My concentration is shocking as is my memory. Not sure if it’s illness or medications.

I’d like to feel normal again – whatever that is. I’d like to feel like minor issues are just that, minor. Not major life traumas that I have to battle with. I’d like to have energy and motivation. This is the thing most people don’t get, I actually want to feel these things but I literally can’t think myself into it. There’s no fuel to burn, no desire nothing to pull on. Even having a shower is a struggle. A physical drag. Taking all of my energy. The tiredness is an anchor and it’s chain is around my neck pulling me down.

I don’t want to see anyone, even though I miss my friends, I don’t have the energy to pretend to be normal. My kids are easy though, I’ve managed to except that sad/tired mummy is better than no mummy. And they’re awesome at giving me hugs and taking it easy on me! I’m blessed with them.

S has been supportive too. Driving me when I couldn’t, taking care of a few of those ‘minor issues’ that seem huge to me. Letting me hang out with the kids as needed. Although I’ve been able to look after them while he works so it’s been a good balance.

At the end of the day, we’ll always be there for each other in the hardest of times, even if we do fight and battle it out over things.

I’m so tired today. I think I’ll have a sleep and my hand seems more painful.

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2 thoughts on “Inside respite

  1. You’re lucky you can see your children so often. I really miss mine and only see them once a month if i’m lucky. I’ll be praying for you. I had better head off to work soon. looks like it’s going to be a lovely sunny day here in Porirua, yay. Bye for now, Love from me.xxoo

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