Today has been peculiar and ironic, and epitomises the quandary and expectations that I have created.
S picked me up @ 7am so I could after the children. Which I’d done yesterday as well. But fortunately the kids have been so tired and the weather so miserable I’ve not have to worry about taking them out.
Yesterday when I returned to the respite – S dropped me off because I was unsure about driving with my sore wrist and mental state not being entirely switched on. I’d sat and chatted to one of the respite workers, she was really nice and talked about gardening. I found her company soothing. I was soon feeling the effects of the day and went to bed. I couldn’t sleep so listened to music and found myself soon in tears. Deep rooted sadness for myself, my position.
Today I had to face a headhunter – of the recruitment kind! She’d seen my CV on a job site, liked it and wanted to meet me. I’d previously avoided it by talking about flu, blaming school holidays etc. but the reality is that when I’m well, I will need to work and I need to be on top of my game.
So this morning I was Mother. Looking after the kids, laundry, the animals, tidying. Then I needed to shower and dress smartly. Because of my wrist everything took longer and was much more tiring and when I couldn’t even do my bra up, I started to cry. I felt like a failure before I’d even done anything.
S came back as promised to look after the kids and I drove to my appointment. Which was really hard with my wrist. But I became professional. Park the car, walk tall, drink my coffee and look enthusiastic and sound professional. Even though all I wanted to do was sleep. Even though I felt like I had a million eyes on me. Even though I felt frumpy and out of place.
The recruitment consultant and I got on very well. I eased into the conversation as though I hadn’t spent the night in respite , as though I wasn’t technically under the care of the mental health community team.
The position she was putting me forward for was apparently below my skill level and she felt she’d find a better paid, higher level responsibility role. Which we all know I simply couldn’t handle right now. But I didn’t want her to know that.
As meetings went, this was a good one. She was nice, we had a similar humour and perspective.
I walked back to my car wondering what on earth I was doing. I couldn’t decide if I was proud or just stupid.
Back at the house, S bought pizza and it was lovely to have all the family together. I did feel genuinely relaxed.
But I knew I didn’t want to go to my place. I worried about the neighbours, their noise and harassment and not only that but if I’m honest, I felt unsure about being home alone. It’s just too easy to allow negative thoughts ruminating through my mind, and then reaching for a bottle of wine. Couple of tablets and I’d be back to square one. I know in my heart that respite care is here for people like me that need it.
So I’m back at the smelly pit! Reminds me of my backpacker days! But I’m safe, the staff check regularly on me, and my medication is looked after so I don’t have to panic about forgetting any of it.
I’ve played a lot of roles today. And as usual, if you didn’t know me, you’d never know how broken I was inside. The perfectly presented box with the broken China inside.
Tomorrow I need to look after the kids again but hopefully it won’t be too late, and then there’s the long weekend (Wellington day) on Monday.
I’ll try to get a good nights sleep tonight and know that less is expected of me tomorrow.