Wine and sleep

Why do I live? So many good people die, are dying because they need organs.

I’d like to have cancer, or some sort of illness that guarantees death. That way I can get my wish. Death wrapping its darkness around me, taking me away.

Suicide leaves the kids a terrible legacy, a sense of blame, confusion, anger, sadness. I can’t do it to them.

But illness, they can grieve in loss and never know how much I wanted to die.

I thought about accidental death – but how can I be sure that I won’t end up mangled or have some other innocent soul affected.

I’m not happy. My neighbours drug and alcohol fuelled parties are worse, I got caught calling noise control so they threatened me constantly. My kids heard the words through the window. I ended up calling the police. I felt afraid and vulnerable. 3 young men jacked up on booze and drugs.

I had a call from the police, I had to give a statement today for that guy who I was on a date with when his sister was murdered. He knew it was coming but didn’t warn me out of courtesy.

I had to go to the police station. I had a panic attack in the car. Police station + reminder of rape + reminder of that cop + neighbours shouting at me. Now I’m stating that this guy was with me so obviously didn’t kill his druggie sister. Did I get a thanks? No he sent me a ton of abuse. The cop told me he had gone a bit mad and was struggling with things.

My dog has has been taken away, my ex didn’t pay his registration fee as previously agreed. So the council took him. How can I argue? I can’t afford the fine and S has the house he was supposed to be living at. I’d brought him down here a few times to feel safe. Oh well, fuck that, seems ill never feel safe again.

I wanted to feel safe and supported today. After all the shit I’ve been through the last of weeks. I went to my ex’s house. Do you think he gives a shit?

My life is fucked. My lease is up in may, I’m just going to get my passport and fuck off. I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t do anything important. I’m just a no one, with no life. I can’t get a job, I deal with daily depression and anxiety.

But my ex has the house, the kids, the career. He has the dream that I’ll never have. 

I’m drinking wine, I intend to take my sleeping pills and waste the entire day and weekend asleep. This is my life. I hate it, I hate myself.

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8 thoughts on “Wine and sleep

  1. Please know I am praying for you. I don’t have the words to just make you feel better and I don’t mean that is what you are looking for. I just want you to know that someone cares and also you are so brave. You are so brave to write about this. You are so brave to have gone through what you have. You are a true survivor. You are so strong. You are a good person no matter what anyone says about you.

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  2. Penny, this causes me great concern. I looked for an email to contact you that way but can’t seem to locate it.
    I stopped following a long time ago, a year or so? Only because I felt leaving your family didn’t seem right. As a blogger you never met I had right to tell a stranger what to do though remember trying to in as gentle a way as possible.
    Now to hear of your seclusion from even your kids…I still have no right to say anything. I hope you forgive me if I’m way off base.
    Is it possible your husband does care but is so hurt by your leaving walls are up?

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  3. Sorry you are feeling so very rough Penny. You do have a lot to deal with at once.

    I can really relate to the unemployed piece as I am currently also not finding work. I’ve learned it’s super important to keep your chin up, because this is when the inner critic really attacks. It is so easy, when not working, to conclude this is your own fault because you are not good enough. Not so. It’s simply a matter of one person saying yes. (Assuming you are making some efforts to get work.) The hiring manager decides based on who knows what – I think it’s mostly about them to tell the truth. That yes gets you a job – and it happens all the time. I’ve learned from reading along that you have lots of great qualities that would stand you in good stead out in the working world. Just keep chugging along – you’ll find work like the rest of us. Try not to beat yourself up in the meantime – you deserve to be treated well.

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  4. I would never presume to tell you what to do. I can tell you that I have been in your shoes and am not sure I’m not still in them.
    I would urge you to keep writing. We are here, walking with you. Some of us, walking closer than you might think.
    Stay strong. Sending hugs.

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  5. Penny… you worry me. I understand the pain & BELIEVE ME– I’ve thought the same about cancer. Guess that’s a hard prospect for my family as well, but this life is too hard some days. You are stronger than your pain. You mean something to your kids, your friends & those of us reading here. Give yourself time to hurt for a bit, but pick up and continue fighting. You are worth that…

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