After a long night last night spent in the emergency department I finally learned that my arm was indeed broken so I have a plaster on and tomorrow I have to go for a CT scan. While I sat waiting for the doctor I felt like a huge burden to the hospital and started crying and almost in a panic attack I’m not sure why I felt so unsure of myself and the emergency department but I just felt like I shouldn’t of gone and I was just a burden. I suppose yet again that’s the depression rearing its ugly head making me believe that I’m not worthy of the care and attention of the hospital staff.
I didn’t get home until well after midnight last night I was absolutely shattered and then this morning I have to get up to get the children to take them to school for the first day back after the school holidays. Driving is really difficult with one arm in plaster but I was able to get the kids to school and sat in their assembly for awhile but it was so busy in there so crowded that I felt claustrophobic are seeping in. Harry kept trying to fall asleep on my bad arm which added to my pain and sense of claustrophobia I was started to become desperate to get out of there plus my phone was ringing constantly adding to my distraction.
I took a brief interlude to check one of my phone messages and it was a rejection of the job interview that I went to which just seemed to be more cutting then it would normally and I knew I had to get out of the school before I started to cry.
Unwilling to leave Harry in the shambolic set up and knowing that I was upset I took him with me and we started on a voyage to pick up various prescriptions and do various chores throughout the day.
By midday both of us fell fast sleep in bed it felt like a huge day and my arm was so painful sleep was the only thing I wanted to today.
Fortunately S has finally decided to take the morning off of work to take Harry to his new school and spend some time with them there which I’m really grateful for because S is in a far better place mentally than I am.
I spoke to the psychiatric nurse today and after consulting with my psychiatrist they have decided to increase some other medication plus at a low dose add another antidepressants to help with the pain of my arm.
I don’t like taking all of these pills, I have so many pills to take on a daily basis but at the moment I would take anything to make me feel better than I do at the moment.
I still felt like my whole world is falling apart and I can’t see a positive future for me I can’t find a house I can’t get a job and I just feel useless and a burden to everyone around me.
Tomorrow I have the CT scan which I’m very anxious about but if it helps to ultimately diagnose and heal my arm of course that will be my motivation.
I feel like I’m being sucked down into this dark pit and absolutely nothing I do or say will help. The sadness is so I overwhelming that I’m constantly in tears or fighting back tears.
Panic attacks are always on the forefront of my mind and I easily find myself gasping for breath if I feel a situation is out of my control or if I just have a worst case scenario playing out in my head. I feel like I’m failing everyone and I feel like I’m not really living and I have no idea how to make any of this go away.