Misery and pain

After a long night last night spent in the emergency department I finally learned that my arm was indeed broken so I have a plaster on and tomorrow I have to go for a CT scan. While I sat waiting for the doctor I felt like a huge burden to the hospital and started crying and almost in a panic attack I’m not sure why I felt so unsure of myself and the emergency department but I just felt like I shouldn’t of gone and I was just a burden.  I suppose yet again that’s the depression rearing its ugly head making me believe that I’m not worthy of the care and  attention of the hospital staff.

I didn’t get home until well after midnight last night I was absolutely shattered and then this morning I have to get up to get the children to take them to school for the first day back after the school holidays.  Driving is really difficult with one arm in plaster but I was able to get the kids to school and sat in their assembly for awhile but it was so busy in there so crowded that I felt claustrophobic are seeping in.  Harry kept trying to fall asleep on my bad arm which added to my pain and sense of claustrophobia I was started to become desperate to get out of there plus my phone was ringing constantly adding to my distraction.
I took a brief interlude to check one of my phone messages and it was a rejection of the job interview that I went to which just seemed to be more cutting then it would normally and I knew I had to get out of the school before I started to cry.

Unwilling to leave Harry in the shambolic set up and knowing that I was upset I took him with me and we started on a voyage to pick up various prescriptions and do various chores throughout the day.

By midday both of us fell fast sleep in bed it felt like a huge day and my arm was so painful sleep was the only thing I wanted to today.

Fortunately S has finally decided to take the morning off of work to take Harry to his new school and spend some time with them there which I’m really grateful for because S is in a far better place mentally than I am.

I spoke to the psychiatric nurse today and after consulting with my psychiatrist they have decided to increase some other medication plus at a low dose add another antidepressants to help with the pain of my arm.

I don’t like taking all of these pills, I have so many pills to take on a daily basis but at the moment I would take anything to make me feel better than I do at the moment.

I still felt like my whole world is falling apart and I can’t see a positive future for me I can’t find a house I can’t get a job and I just feel useless and a burden to everyone around me.

Tomorrow I have the CT scan which I’m very anxious about but if it helps to ultimately diagnose and heal my arm of course that will be my motivation.

I feel like I’m being sucked down into this dark pit and absolutely nothing I do or say will help.  The sadness is so I overwhelming that I’m constantly in tears or fighting back tears.

Panic attacks are always on the forefront of my mind and I easily find myself gasping for breath if I feel a situation is out of my control or if I just have a worst case scenario playing out in my head.  I feel like I’m failing everyone and I feel like I’m not really living and I have no idea how to make any of this go away.

Depressed 

I’m at S’s place. He’s at work and the holidays are still going. I had to be here by 7am. My sleep was interrupted with bad dreams and stressing over things. So I arrived here feeling dreadfully tired. The 5mg to my 10mg of olanzapine is making me constantly hungry and lethargic.

I feel like there will be no end to this constant depression. My hand hurts terribly, I now have mouth ulcers and my short term memory is suffering. I find myself constantly forgetting dates and or conversations.

After spending yesterday in bed, I’d hoped to feel better today. But I don’t at all. I really wish I could sleep my way through this. I wish I could be in a coma until this time passes. 

Everything is grey. Every movement is slow and clumsy. I keep dropping things.

I feel like I’m in this gloomy, dull, thick mist that only I can see. I actually find it hard to care about anything, or do anything. I don’t want to move. This mist has engulfed me and its squeezing the oxygen out of my lungs. I can’t breathe properly, everything aches. I wonder when I’ll ever feel normal again 

Sadness

I wanted to see my hairdresser in person today for not showing up to my appointment due to the whole mental crisis thing. Hairdressers get a rough time with no shows and I wanted to let her know I respected her. As it happened another client was a no show, so she did my hair right then! I felt so lucky. My hair has been neglected. During the appointment I felt so tired. I’d planned on staying in bed because of headache and tiredness. But I did needed to get a few bits so I forced myself out. I could have slept in the hairdressers though.

I got what else I needed and then came to my house. I’ve just found out I didn’t get the beautiful cottage I saw. I burst into tears. I’m so drained and house hunting is such a horrible process. Mooching around properties and then being weighed up against other applications. I wonder if I did or said something wrong? Was it me? 

My depression is still very much making itself known. I think the increased medications are affecting me in that I’m more tired, but in terms of mood, I remain low.

I’m also raw from the therapy session, it’s unlike me to sob like that for so long. I feel so sad. 

I need a house, I need a job. I’d love a holiday! But all I want to do is lie in bed. I’ve applied for so many jobs I’ve lost count, but none of them have gone anywhere – which again I feel reflects on me.

I feel so useless. So sad. And so alone. How can I possibly get through all of this?

Update – from Hotel California 

I’m so tired writing this. But I’ve managed to drag myself to the office to get my medication. I hope I can sleep well tonight.

My last night in respite.  I haven’t really used the facilities as well as I could, as I’ve been with the kids everyday. Yesterday I had to get up @ 6 and then S dropped the bombshell that he needed me to cover while he had dinner. So I didn’t get back to respite by 9.30pm. I feel really bad though, my time with the kids isn’t ‘quality’ – I’m not taking them out and I’m so tired and so desperate to hide the depth of my misery. I have let them down these school holidays.

Unbelievably after my meeting with the headhunter I had an interview today! I can’t believe I’m barely functioning on all cylinders but I went to an interview. I can’t assess how I went – my internal monologue was constantly berating me. I’m so fat, I look like shit, wore the wrong shoes, did I slur my words, am I losing concentration, do I look mad?! I’ll find out about that next week. Although I’m not hopeful. The only reason I need to have jobs in the pipeline is because my spousal maintenance stops in September so I have to be financially independent. It’s scary.

Plus I need to consider housing. It’s been hard to find anything remotely appropriate. But I’m viewing a place tomorrow. Meanwhile lots of people have been trawling through my house. I went back there yesterday and I feel so sad. I’d really turned it into a home, a really cute little space for me and the kids. I’ll miss it. I resent my neighbours for being so thoughtless and cruel.

Today, this afternoon I also saw my psychiatrist. I expressed concern that my mood wasn’t lifting as quickly as I liked and as a result she’s increased my olanzapine. And will consider another increase in a week. She said it’s supposed to help anxiety – but it’s not helping at all with that.

My days have been long and tiring looking after the kids. My nights I can retreat to the respite flat where I feel safe. And despite nightmares can sleep in peace.

Often at night I feel emotional and my brain panics with things I’ve forgotten, done wrong or need to do.

Tomorrow I have therapy. I’ll have to juggle therapy and the kids. But I need some time to articulate my nightmares and fears. Then I’m seeing the GP, my hand/arm is still excruciatingly painful. My little finger is still numb and cold to the touch, half my hand is numb, and I’m convinced its fractured somewhere. Painkillers don’t help.

Then I’m viewing a cute little cottage. With kids in tow.

I haven’t seen anyone I know and my communication hasn’t been great but I have received an outpouring of love and support which I didn’t anticipate. It’s easy to forget that anyone cares about me, especially as I have such a dim view of myself!

So I’m still very much a screwed up nutcase. I’m not sure what I’m running on, but I hope I don’t run out! 


I got this really cute necklace today, I love Rosie The Riveter

Nightmare 

Just woken up in the grip of a nightmare. My sheets are sodden with sweat. I knew I’d be jumpy tonight. I left the kitchen light on and the outside sensor light on. Every time it turned on i jumped to look out the window.

My arm/hand hurts a lot and my sheets are twisted so I must have been moving around a lot. I was initially disoriented when I woke up, luckily it’s light enough in here to see the things around me.

I quickly put my feet on the floor and said the names of the things in my room that I could see. 

By sheer coincidence one of the support workers came around to do observation. He seemed uncomfortable that I was jumpy so offered my PRN (diazepam), had it have been a woman I would have talked to her about it.

So now I’m lying back in bed feeling on edge and in pain (my hand). I can hear every noise, no matter how small and innocuous. My brain is playing out different scenarios and my body feels poised for action.

Diazapam has never really been that good of a drug for me – but it’s better than nothing.

It’s quite windy again tonight which doesn’t help. I hate it. I can’t decipher the noises easily and I’m conscious that someone might be moving in the shadows using the noise and movement to hide.

The dark is so smothering. My nightmares are so consuming.

Inside respite

My room at the respite place. Doesn’t get more basic! The smell of old tobacco has imprinted into the rooms, curtains and upholstery. 

It’s actually considered a ‘flat’ here, even I get confused with the definitions of buildings. But there’s no one else in this particular flat, there are many others but they have people in them. I’m glad I’m not sharing. 

I am finding it really comforting to have this space, even though initially I was upset by how bad it was. I keep my window open at night so I can feel the breeze, a luxury I don’t get to enjoy at my house. I actually feel very safe here. I’m next to the office, there’s a landline (although I have my cell but if for any reason I had no charge) and of course they do regular obs. That is, coming around every hour or so to check on me. Even at night, I leave my bedroom door adjar. That should technically trigger me, but i appreciate the obs. Makes me feel less alone. That if I wake in distress someone will likely be around at some point. I know I wouldn’t have coped alone at home by now. Yesterday S got home really late from work, when I left I had a fleeting desire to buy a bottle of wine to relax with. But alcohol is banned from this place and I didn’t feel the need going into this place. But I probably would have got some had I been returning to my house.

People were being shown around my house today. My lease is coming to an end now and though I feel anxious about becoming technically homeless in 21 days, I’d feel worse about living the rest of my lease there. I miss the things in my home, I have made it so nice, but I don’t miss the constant stress.

My arm/hand still hurts terribly from when I fell over on that night although the hospital said it’s not broken, I’m not convinced so I’ve arranged to see my GP on Tuesday. That’s a good week after the injury so hopefully with swelling going down it will be easier too see the injuries. I still have no feeling in my ring and little finger and pain in my hand, wrist and forearm. I bought a support thing from the chemist which helps but it’s hard to know if it’s a good thing or if I’m inadvertently making it worse. The dr can advise.

I feel miserable today. Tired, headachy. I feel like no one really understands me. I had nightmares last night and spent some of the night reading. I needed a distraction. The weather is grey and drab. I have a feeling of anxiety – what will happen after respite? How will I cope? Will I find a new place? Life feels a bit lost and overwhelming.

I’m just trying to stay in the moment.

I feel a constant sadness yet emptiness. Also my irritability levels have risen, yet I’m too tired to get overly angry.

My spark has gone. And my hope is dull. My body feels sluggish. My concentration is shocking as is my memory. Not sure if it’s illness or medications.

I’d like to feel normal again – whatever that is. I’d like to feel like minor issues are just that, minor. Not major life traumas that I have to battle with. I’d like to have energy and motivation. This is the thing most people don’t get, I actually want to feel these things but I literally can’t think myself into it. There’s no fuel to burn, no desire nothing to pull on. Even having a shower is a struggle. A physical drag. Taking all of my energy. The tiredness is an anchor and it’s chain is around my neck pulling me down.

I don’t want to see anyone, even though I miss my friends, I don’t have the energy to pretend to be normal. My kids are easy though, I’ve managed to except that sad/tired mummy is better than no mummy. And they’re awesome at giving me hugs and taking it easy on me! I’m blessed with them.

S has been supportive too. Driving me when I couldn’t, taking care of a few of those ‘minor issues’ that seem huge to me. Letting me hang out with the kids as needed. Although I’ve been able to look after them while he works so it’s been a good balance.

At the end of the day, we’ll always be there for each other in the hardest of times, even if we do fight and battle it out over things.

I’m so tired today. I think I’ll have a sleep and my hand seems more painful.

Crisis stand down 

Today has been peculiar and ironic, and epitomises the quandary and expectations that I have created.

S picked me up @ 7am so I could after the children. Which I’d done yesterday as well. But fortunately the kids have been so tired and the weather so miserable I’ve not have to worry about taking them out.

Yesterday when I returned to the respite – S dropped me off because I was unsure about driving with my sore wrist and mental state not being entirely switched on. I’d sat and chatted to one of the respite workers, she was really nice and talked about gardening. I found her company soothing. I was soon feeling the effects of the day and went to bed. I couldn’t sleep so listened to music and found myself soon in tears. Deep rooted sadness for myself, my position.

Today I had to face a headhunter – of the recruitment kind! She’d seen my CV on a job site, liked it and wanted to meet me. I’d previously avoided it by talking about flu, blaming school holidays etc. but the reality is that when I’m well, I will need to work and I need to be on top of my game.

So this morning I was Mother. Looking after the kids, laundry, the animals, tidying. Then I needed to shower and dress smartly. Because of my wrist everything took longer and was much more tiring and when I couldn’t even do my bra up, I started to cry. I felt like a failure before I’d even done anything.

S came back as promised to look after the kids and I drove to my appointment. Which was really hard with my wrist. But I became professional. Park the car, walk tall, drink my coffee and look enthusiastic and sound professional. Even though all I wanted to do was sleep. Even though I felt like I had a million eyes on me. Even though I felt frumpy and out of place.

The recruitment consultant and I got on very well. I eased into the conversation as though I hadn’t spent the night in respite , as though I wasn’t technically under the care of the mental health community team.

The position she was putting me forward for was apparently below my skill level and she felt she’d find a better paid, higher level responsibility role. Which we all know I simply couldn’t handle right now. But I didn’t want her to know that. 

As meetings went, this was a good one. She was nice, we had a similar humour and perspective.

I walked back to my car wondering what on earth I was doing. I couldn’t decide if I was proud or just stupid.

Back at the house, S bought pizza and it was lovely to have all the family together. I did feel genuinely relaxed.

But I knew I didn’t want to go to my place. I worried about the neighbours, their noise and harassment and not only that but if I’m honest, I felt unsure about being home alone. It’s just too easy to allow negative thoughts ruminating through my mind, and then reaching for a bottle of wine. Couple of tablets and I’d be back to square one. I know in my heart that respite care is here for people like me that need it. 

So I’m back at the smelly pit! Reminds me of my backpacker days! But I’m safe, the staff check regularly on me, and my medication is looked after so I don’t have to panic about forgetting any of it.

I’ve played a lot of roles today. And as usual, if you didn’t know me, you’d never know how broken I was inside. The perfectly presented box with the broken China inside.

Tomorrow I need to look after the kids again but hopefully it won’t be too late, and then there’s the long weekend (Wellington day) on Monday.

I’ll try to get a good nights sleep tonight and know that less is expected of me tomorrow.