So, the ‘important’ days I’ve got through, with no more suicidal ideation.  But my mood remains lower than base.  Far lower than normal.  All I want to do is sleep and avoid everyone.

I felt so paranoid and such a sense of impending doom that I asked my ex husband if I could borrow a golf club.  I used to have one under the bed in times of panic.  I’ve not required anything like that, and my fear with a knife, is that in a moment of terrible gloom, I might self harm.  So now I have this golf club under my bed.  In my head I have considered all the different places for it, and when I might use it and how I might go about prioritising my phone over the club!  It probably all sounds crazy, but I want to be prepared for all possibilities.  And this time of year there are spontaneous criminals looking for some easy money.  ultimately I don’t feel safe.  I feel vulnerable, which I consider a weakness.  But it’s also this feeling of a dragging anchor, keeping me from reaching air.

Because S took the older girls to see a movie today, I’ve promised my youngest two a movie tomorrow, I even booked the tickets to stop myself from cancelling on them.  I’m not looking forward to it at all, but I’ve decided that after the movie, I will drop them back with S and then spend some time alone.  I’ve had the kids a lot or been up at the house, and I’m feeling really overwhelmed.  I thought S might interject today and help when I left, so that the kids wouldn’t beg to stay at mine again.  I feel powerless to their asking.  He’s more interested in his computer games.  I could feel my tension rising.  He’s made dinner a couple of times (nice dinner) and taken the kids out.  Now its like he’s done his bit and he’s switched off. I’m not having that, when he’s back to work, I have all the kids for the duration of their school summer holidays and without getting my mojo back ,it will be a struggle.  I need some support.  Not least because the depression is wrapping itself tightly around me.

I need to keep going, but everything feels so hard.  I can’t really think straight.  I’m finding myself easily confused and forgetful.  Even reading – my wonderful form of escapism is getting harder.  I feel like my brain is giving up on me and I don’t want that.  I don’t want to spiral lower.  I need to get over this.



4 thoughts on “Spiralling?

  1. It will take time. You will hit lows that you think you will never rise above but you have to keep trying. That’s not to say that you will ever fully heal. I’m not sure we ever do but I would suggest that you keep writing about it. We will be here…supporting you in every way we can.
    A cyber hug is not the same as the warmth of human touch but it’s better than nothing and were it not for all the virtual hugs I have received, I don’t know where I would be today.
    Sending one of those cyber hugs to you.


  2. You’re lucky that you get to see your children, I know that you struggle but it’s worse when you don’t see them. I even rang them on Xmas day and they didn’t want to talk to me. I guess they will appreciate me more as they get older. As far as being repaired just remember that only Batman can be prepared for all possibilities the rest of us have to just do our best. You should consider doing martial arts, if you tell me what types are in your area I can recommend one for you! I must go Penny, I hope you all enjoy the movie. Hugs from me.


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