So, the ‘important’ days I’ve got through, with no more suicidal ideation. But my mood remains lower than base. Far lower than normal. All I want to do is sleep and avoid everyone.
I felt so paranoid and such a sense of impending doom that I asked my ex husband if I could borrow a golf club. I used to have one under the bed in times of panic. I’ve not required anything like that, and my fear with a knife, is that in a moment of terrible gloom, I might self harm. So now I have this golf club under my bed. In my head I have considered all the different places for it, and when I might use it and how I might go about prioritising my phone over the club! It probably all sounds crazy, but I want to be prepared for all possibilities. And this time of year there are spontaneous criminals looking for some easy money. ultimately I don’t feel safe. I feel vulnerable, which I consider a weakness. But it’s also this feeling of a dragging anchor, keeping me from reaching air.
Because S took the older girls to see a movie today, I’ve promised my youngest two a movie tomorrow, I even booked the tickets to stop myself from cancelling on them. I’m not looking forward to it at all, but I’ve decided that after the movie, I will drop them back with S and then spend some time alone. I’ve had the kids a lot or been up at the house, and I’m feeling really overwhelmed. I thought S might interject today and help when I left, so that the kids wouldn’t beg to stay at mine again. I feel powerless to their asking. He’s more interested in his computer games. I could feel my tension rising. He’s made dinner a couple of times (nice dinner) and taken the kids out. Now its like he’s done his bit and he’s switched off. I’m not having that, when he’s back to work, I have all the kids for the duration of their school summer holidays and without getting my mojo back ,it will be a struggle. I need some support. Not least because the depression is wrapping itself tightly around me.
I need to keep going, but everything feels so hard. I can’t really think straight. I’m finding myself easily confused and forgetful. Even reading – my wonderful form of escapism is getting harder. I feel like my brain is giving up on me and I don’t want that. I don’t want to spiral lower. I need to get over this.