I don’t know, I guess the lure of hanging myself provided too an intense relief not to consider. I read about it, you know, cutting off the cortoid artery in a gentle motion and gradually losing oxygen to the point of unconsciousness. I used to dream of sleeping tablets and walking into the ocean, the beautiful depths pulling me away into peace. But over the years there was practical sense in asphyxiation. No use of services searching for my body, no risk of being found by an innocent. Death at my own dictation. Perhaps music, photos surrounding me as I departed this sad old earth.
I thought about taking out insurance, not wanting my kids to go without. Arranging all of my bills so S wouldn’t have any layover and could claim I was thoughtless.
How bitter sweet the relief of death. No more nightmares, no more pain no more struggling. And yet, my beautiful children. My legacy left to leave then bitter, confused alone.
I owe them more than that.
So although I would personally like to leave this world and it’s darkness, I owe it to my beautiful children to be there.
S has really accomodated me this Xmas. Dinner, less involvement, rest times. He’s been the perfect host. I couldn’t ask for more. I don’t think I’ve seen an Xmas through with as much peace and safety.
How amazing are my children? So different from each other. Each beautiful and with exquisite qualities. If I hadn’t have insisted each baby stay by my side after birth, I might consider that there’d been a mistake.
How can these guys, so beautiful, so amazing, have come from me?
Xmas has been a calm affair. I’ve managed my anxiety by way of managing the tidiness and organising. It soothes to have everything in it’s place. I feel less worthless and things feel more in my grasp of control.
I feel so lucky this Xmas. So blessed.
And yet this tender sadness ravishes my soul as I lie here in my bed in my home alone.
I’m grateful, yet I’m lonely. I’m happy and yet I’m deeply sad.
Xmas – the worst time of year! Us with our depression and PTSD. How can it ever be as joyful as it is for everyone else?