Thursday was pretty eventful as day’s go. For me anyway.
I’ve had this, well, I’ll save you the details but lets say ‘lady problems.’ I had been putting off seeing a dr because I had not long had my smear and that hurt like hell and was generally just awful. Just because I’ve had 4 children, doesn’t mean anything in that department is easy. But it really was adding to my symptoms of PTSD, the feeling of being dirty. I seemed to be showering constantly, scrubbing myself raw, and within minutes feeling the urge to do it all over again.
I made an urgent appointment with a female gp and unfortunately had to be examined. Painful doesn’t really cut it. It was BAD. But at least I have a better idea of whats going on. And to be honest, I’m glad I went. But the bleeding has been pretty intense.
I went on to see my counsellor, it was a coincidence that my day panned out like that. But a good one! Although I started off very distanced and chatted about inane things, it finally came out about the problems I’d been having and the subsequent examination. The night before the appointment I had a terrible nightmare. Not abstract like usual, a graphic replay of events of the rape. I talked about that with my counsellor, I’ve never talked in details before with her. I also talked about the sense of being unclean. How I used to scrub myself with household cleaning products to try to rid myself of this film of grime I felt. Its one of those things that seems to flare up occasionally, although I’ve not suffered such an intense bout for a long time.
I found things coming up and talking about them without realising the enormity of what I was sharing. I haven’t discussed issues of such a private nature before. At times I felt emotional, at times my mind wandered back to exact moments in time, with the clarity of a movie, and I felt periods of frustration and anger. I hadn’t wanted to get as deep particularly with xmas looming and knowing there would be a break between sessions, but I guess my mind felt it was time. The hour passed quickly. So many vulnerabilities and fears shared. I felt scraped out but yet lighter for it.
My next journey was on to the city to see a friend of mine in hospital. The driving allowed me down time to defrag and put my mind on the task ahead. It was great to see her and catch up.
I am feeling surprised at my ability to share so openly with the therapist. I prefer to keep a little piece of me removed, save myself from emotional fall out.
Today is xmas eve, the time of year I am usually depressed and struggling through. But this time, expectations are low. I am staying at my house tonight, then heading up to the house tomorrow. I will be there for my children, but equally distanced enough to save that crushing blow that happens every year. And of course this year is our first year as a separated family, but luckily S and I have found more civil ground to dance around on.
Just got to get through it!