The night before xmas

Thursday was pretty eventful as day’s go.  For me anyway.

I’ve had this, well, I’ll save you the details but lets say ‘lady problems.’  I had been putting off seeing a dr because I had not long had my smear and that hurt like hell and was generally just awful.  Just because I’ve had 4 children, doesn’t mean anything in that department is easy.  But it really was adding to my symptoms of PTSD, the feeling of being dirty.  I seemed to be showering constantly, scrubbing myself raw, and within minutes feeling the urge to do it all over again.

I made an urgent appointment with a female gp and unfortunately had to be examined.  Painful doesn’t really cut it.  It was BAD.  But at least I have a better idea of whats going on.  And to be honest, I’m glad I went.  But the bleeding has been pretty intense.

I went on to see my counsellor, it was a coincidence that my day panned out like that.  But a good one!  Although I started off very distanced and chatted about inane things, it finally came out about the problems I’d been having and the subsequent examination.  The night before the appointment I had a terrible nightmare.  Not abstract like usual, a graphic replay of events of the rape.  I talked about that with my counsellor, I’ve never talked in details before with her.  I also talked about the sense of being unclean.  How I used to scrub myself with household cleaning products to try to rid myself of this film of grime I felt.  Its one of those things that seems to flare up occasionally, although I’ve not suffered such an intense bout for a long time.

I found things coming up and talking about them without realising the enormity of what I was sharing.  I haven’t discussed issues of such a private nature before.  At times I felt emotional, at times my mind wandered back to exact moments in time, with the clarity of a movie, and I felt periods of frustration and anger.  I hadn’t wanted to get as deep particularly with xmas looming and knowing there would be a break between sessions, but I guess my mind felt it was time.  The hour passed quickly.  So many vulnerabilities and fears shared.  I felt scraped out but yet lighter for it.

My next journey was on to the city to see a friend of mine in hospital.  The driving allowed me down time to defrag and put my mind on the task ahead.  It was great to see her and catch up.

I am feeling surprised at my ability to share so openly with the therapist.  I prefer to keep a little piece of me removed, save myself from emotional fall out.

Today is xmas eve, the time of year I am usually depressed and struggling through. But this time, expectations are low.  I am staying at my house tonight, then heading up to the house tomorrow.  I will be there for my children, but equally distanced enough to save that crushing blow that happens every year.  And of course this year is our first year as a separated family, but luckily S and I have found more civil ground to dance around on.

Just got to get through it!


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