Miserable

I don’t feel like I’m doing very well.  Last therapy session was so intense.  I’ve not been able to stop thinking about it.  Then I had a date with a really nice guy that I knew from a while ago, I assumed it was more ‘catching up’ but we both evidently have feelings for each other and we had a great, really fun time together.  Then his sister was killed, I didn’t know her, but its taken a huge toll on him and his family – naturally.  So things have stalled there.

For me, the death is reminder of all the ugly in the world, and whilst I was able to have a good time, it won’t last because something has to come along and remind me of all that is bad with the world.

I’m feeling really down and lethargic.  Panic levels really high and most of the time I feel on the brink of a panic attack.

I’ve had some wicked nightmares, I’m tired and fed up.

I took my daughter back for another appointment today to investigate her heart further.  She was really good – quite how she manages the intrusion is beyond me, but I was able to stay calm for her and look out for her.

But that’s like the residual energy I had.  Spent.

My kids have been spending a lot of time with me, which is chipping away at my emotions because I have to work to stay blank.  S is being his usual shut off and uncaring self.  Which doesn’t surprise me.

I’m just not feeling good at all.  There is no other point of this blog than to try to and express my misery and lethargy.  As I have no other outlet until therapy and I’m worried that I’m becoming so unable to be present, it will catch up with me.

It’s not even 6pm ,but I’m going to read in bed and then hopefully fall asleep.

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2 thoughts on “Miserable

  1. Sorry your going through this. I did too and still do. I still spend days sleeping, crying, stressed beyond belief……but after forcing myself out a couple times, better days became more frequent. As difficult as it is, you just HAVE to drag yourself out for a short easy walk, book a massage, get a mani and pedi, take lots of long, hot bubble baths and over time you’ll start having better days ❤ its great therapy in writing all your feelings out and one day you’ll look back at this blog and see how much you’ve grown. We’ll all get there, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

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