A lot has happened since I last posted, although not much in terms of progress I suppose. Still very much ticking along and trying to find my way.
The monthly support group had a special weekend intensive course that I mentioned was coming up. About 25 women attended, of various ages and backgrounds. It was as to be expected, pretty intense! But it was incredibly empowering, seeing these different women open their hearts, cry openly, talk about their pain, there is peace and comfort to be found with such strong women. It’s so humbling to see women that have been the victims of the worst of mankind offer compassion and kindness to each other. Lunch was a combination of offered foods, delicious, hearty meals, enjoyed amongst all of us. A time to nurture our bodies and rest of the task of reliving and talking.
It was an overall cathertic experience, although it’s a shame there isn’t a follow-up one!
After the Sunday session, feeling raw and drained I drove to the house. I intended to collect Caitlin for a hospital appointment the following morning. I felt like crying on the drive there, but held back. I guess when I arrived I expected S might offer some support, some recognition for the hard weekend. I’m not sure why I had hoped for this, perhaps that he might care, might remember how difficult these processes are for me. I was greeted by the kids, warmth and excitement that I feasted on. Selfishly gathering them up and enjoying every single aspect of them. Their love, their excitement to see me, their open smiles and affection.
As I walked around the house I stated to see the mess, the laundry, the discarded rubbish. Then I saw S lying on the sofa. complaining of being ‘exhausted’ because he had the kids all weekend. I sat on the sofa and rather than offer a drink or enquire about the course, he moaned about the kids, complained about tiredness. I felt so raw, I felt the disappointment like a knife wound. I knew there was nothing at the house for me, aside from the kids. I said I would take Caitlin, and while the younger two begged to come, I decided it wasnt a good idea because I was tired and emotional and didn’t want them to see me emotional.
When I got back to my house, I lay on the bed, tired, and I cried. Big heaving sobs. I felt so alone and I missed my son and youngest daughter. My eldest was set up on her laptop. I decided that it didn’t matter if they saw me resting, or even saw me crying. I wanted my babies with me. I text S and asked him to bring them to me. I got a snarky text about how they will work around me, and about it being about what I want etc. I ignored it.
Egg and H were so happy to see me again! They were delighted that ‘I’d missed them that much I’d asked Daddy to bring them down.’ We all just cuddled and relaxed together. It was much-needed. And I didn’t feel selfish for it at all.
Caitlin had her hospital appointment the following day. The last couple of weeks have been me driving around and looking after the kids while S works late.
I saw a locum psychiatrist yesterday, as the permanent left – not unsurprisingly. There is no consistency with mental health care and it’s really unsettling and inconvenient. This temporary guy was probably one of the worst I’ve seen. He was very old, dressed like you imagine an old-fashioned psychiatrist, I’m surprised he didn’t have a pocket watch. He asked a myriad of questions, personal about my past, which I didn’t appreciate. And when I stumbled for the dates, he read them out to me. I’m not sure the point of that. He queried my current medication, I explained I’d tried everything but this seemed to be the better of them all. Then he began listing different ones that he ‘recommended’ to which I replied I had tried and had various side effects. I sensed his urge to ‘fix’ me with a different combination of medications. But it’s not like I haven’t exhausted every medication. I explained my anxiety and he seemed less interested in that. He wanted me to rate everything on a scale, mood, motivation, health, etc. Which given the different contexts was hard to do. Finally, after asking if my ex husband beat me up (?!) nice question in front of my son and with no reason to ask that, especially as we didn’t live together anymore, which Id corrected him twice on (don’t ask if you won’t listen), he finally wrote a prescription for me. Then proceeded to tell me that a ‘nice walk’ would really help my mood. Would be beneficial for my health and might want to take it up. I wanted to click my fingers sarcastic and say, ‘nailed it,’ if only i knew that was the ‘cure’ a few years ago. But my need for a new prescription over the Xmas period outweighed my smart mouth!
I ended up leaving his office feeling quite down. He wasn’t helpful, he was patronising and dredging up my past when he’s not even going to be treating me long-term seemed a waste of time, and painful reminders I didn’t need to ruminate over.
I’ve heard from the UK that the case with
the officer will be wound up by end of year. I can’t help but feel anxious about that either.
My symptoms of PTSD have been worse than usual, but I anticipate a lot of that is down to the season. I find the pressure, the expectations, the stimuli all too much. At least in my own home I’ve opted not to decorate it, so I have a space I can return to. unfortunately it’s not necessarily feeling relaxed at the moment, with having to call the council repeatedly for the noise, which will only get worse this time of year.
The end of the year is dragging and I’m feeling restless. I don’t know what the new year will bring, aside from more stress, so I’m feeling like a I need to take a good long hard at what I need to do vs what I want to achieve.
I’m glad I have a therapy session tomorrow. I really need to talk.